Water pooled in my eyes as a human cocooned in red from crown to roots emerged from my entry pod carrying a rooting box—the rooting box that nurtured my clones.
No. It's hard to picture and really hard to follow. There's a lot of information here and some 'red light words.' Not bad words, but words the reader sees and realizes they're not in Kanas anymore. Particularly human, cocooned, entry bod, rooting box, clones. All are off or foreign.
NO. Too heavy, too early. I have no idea what's going on. What is a root box, and why is it carrying clones? Who is "I" in this story? There are plenty of questions that would suggest I read on, but the strangeness of the sentence is a turn-off.
No. On a basic level, it just plain needs commas; but even with them it's too much info too early for me to get a sense of what it means or why I should care.
No. This is beyond in medias res and is confusing. Perhaps if you backed the opening up a few minutes - even a few seconds - to give us a little bit of setting or character to ground the scene.
No. The sentence is too long, rambling, and clumsy. I had to read it aloud before I could even wrap my head around it, and that's too much work for the first line in a book.
No. It's weighted down with too much description and made it hard for me to follow. The idea of cocoons (I know it's a description but that's what stuck in my head) and cloning is intriguing, but hard to see.
No, the narrative voice sounds inauthentic, i.e. "water pooled in my eyes" sounds forced and not how someone would actually describe something if they were telling a story.
NO. "My rooting box" sounded like part of her body and I think it's because it's paired with "my eyes," so the whole thing had an unintentional sexual innuendo vibe for me.
No. I can follow what's going on, but I know a lot of people aren't going to be able to follow it, and you're going to lose a lot of people instantly. Beyond that, there's just too much happening in one sentence, and not all of it is that critical.
No. This sounds much more like the second sentence of your novel. I would start with a simple opening. Then follow up with the details.
Also, I've read this sentence at least three times. It's a bit convaluted for my brain. Maybe the scifi readers will digest this better than others. ;)
No, sorry. Is there a connection between "from crown to 'roots' " and the rooting box? If not, "roots/rooting" is an odd repetition that made it confusing.
No, I think there's a lot to parse here and it's hard to digest lots of world-building elements in a first line without any context. This might work better as a later line.
No. I found myself skimming through the first line. I can tell the writer put a lot of thought into the line, but I think it is just too much info for a first line.
No. Confusing and over-written. Is the water pooling in the eyes supposed to be tears? Because on first read, I thought of some sort of water tortue. Why doesn't he/she blink?
No. After reading it a few times I understand it, and that it appears to be from the POV of an alien or plantlike creature, but the construction of the sentence put me off.
No--but I like the idea! It's just that it's too much about clones much too soon. You could do this same thing in simpler language, and I think I'd say yes--if you just directly told me that after so many years of work you're finally getting to see your clone, or something like that. Direct would do more for me, here. Description can come later.
No. I did understand that the narrator is not meant to be human and therefore would not describe things in the way a human would, but itwas still too difficult to follow. Was the human covered in blood? Was the creature crying? Is the entry pod part of the creature or the enviornment?
No. I got lost too quickly. It sounds like it could be an interesting concept (I liked "the rooting box that nutured my clones"), but might be better off explained later. And "water pooled in my eyes" really didn't catch me either.
No. I read it twice and I'm still confused. Try starting with something more familiar instead of cramming so much new terminology into the first sentence.
No. You are trying to do too much with this sentence, and it's not accomplishing anything. I've no idea what an entry pod might be. The word 'root' is used three times in the one sentence. I'm not sure how a human in a cocoon could remove anything from anywhere. Do you mean dressed in red? Just say so and your readers will have more patience.
I have no idea what's going on here. Is the MC crying? Does that mean the clones are dead? I can't tell because I don't know what species the MC is (Ship? Giant plant?) or what a rooting box is. Too much world building up front with no explanation.
No. There is a lot going on in that one sentence, and it's hard to figure out what the focus is. I think you'd be better served by breaking this into several sentences.
No. Simply can't follow what's going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't understand what the writer means here.
ReplyDeleteYes. It is a bit hard to follow BUT someone has a box responsible for creating clones, so I would read more to just figure out what is going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's hard to picture and really hard to follow. There's a lot of information here and some 'red light words.' Not bad words, but words the reader sees and realizes they're not in Kanas anymore. Particularly human, cocooned, entry bod, rooting box, clones. All are off or foreign.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm so lost right now. Too much. Too soon.
ReplyDeleteNo. Feel like I'm in information overload.
ReplyDeleteNo. This seems like a nice image, but I'd rather have a chance to explore it more than to be rushed into the next bit of information.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much is going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm confused.
ReplyDeleteNo. Less is more in this case. You're trying for too much info all at once.
ReplyDeleteNo. Way too much going on in that sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm lost.
ReplyDeleteNo. Lots of words; hard to follow.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much going on. Potentially an interesting book though -- rooting box, clones, red cocoons, etc. This is just an awful sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. I wanted to stop reading after the word cacooned. The writing was too over-the-top.
ReplyDeleteNO. Too heavy, too early. I have no idea what's going on. What is a root box, and why is it carrying clones? Who is "I" in this story? There are plenty of questions that would suggest I read on, but the strangeness of the sentence is a turn-off.
ReplyDeleteNo. But it is an interesting concept. If it was easier to read, I may have voted Yes.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNo, the sentence is hard to read and a little long.
ReplyDeleteNo. I think there may be a good idea here, but right now I'm just confused as to what's going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. On a basic level, it just plain needs commas; but even with them it's too much info too early for me to get a sense of what it means or why I should care.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteRead this out loud. It doesn't read smooth at all, reading it out loud should help you find a rhythm and clear up some of the confusion.
No. This is beyond in medias res and is confusing. Perhaps if you backed the opening up a few minutes - even a few seconds - to give us a little bit of setting or character to ground the scene.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentence is too long, rambling, and clumsy. I had to read it aloud before I could even wrap my head around it, and that's too much work for the first line in a book.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm confused, not intrigued.
ReplyDeleteNo--sentence is too convoluted and difficult to follow. It would make me wonder if the rest of the writing is, too.
ReplyDeleteBut the rooting box bit is intriguing.
no. i have to focus too much to find the image and want it to be clearer.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry, not during breakfast! Too yucky for me (I'm a wimp).
ReplyDeleteNo. It's weighted down with too much description and made it hard for me to follow. The idea of cocoons (I know it's a description but that's what stuck in my head) and cloning is intriguing, but hard to see.
ReplyDeleteNo, the narrative voice sounds inauthentic, i.e. "water pooled in my eyes" sounds forced and not how someone would actually describe something if they were telling a story.
ReplyDeleteNo. This is much too convoluted.
ReplyDeleteNO. "My rooting box" sounded like part of her body and I think it's because it's paired with "my eyes," so the whole thing had an unintentional sexual innuendo vibe for me.
ReplyDeleteNo. This sentence completely loses me, it's clunky and confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't think I can add to the many reasons said here. They are the same.
ReplyDeleteNo. Needs to be tightened up a bit.
ReplyDeleteNo. Way too confusing and it never really figured out what was going on. It felt like a run on packed with too much information.
ReplyDeleteNo. Clunky, and I had trouble visualizing exactly what was going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too confusing. Too much detail.
ReplyDeleteNo. In part because the sentence is confusing and in part because the close and rooting box seems too adult for YA.
ReplyDeleteNo. Not a good first line. Rather confusing. Could be a later line early in the book.
ReplyDeleteNo. Feels too technical for a YA start. No clear sense of voice. Not sure if the 'speaker' is MC or someone else.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too many words in strange combination.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much information.
ReplyDeleteNo. The intent is unclear because it is cluttered with ambiguous description.
ReplyDeleteNo. I was confused as to what was going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. I can follow what's going on, but I know a lot of people aren't going to be able to follow it, and you're going to lose a lot of people instantly. Beyond that, there's just too much happening in one sentence, and not all of it is that critical.
ReplyDeleteNo. Crown to roots gave me the image of crown of head to roots of hair. Not the image you were after, I think. The rest was simply too much rooting.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteToo much too fast.
No. This sounds much more like the second sentence of your novel. I would start with a simple opening. Then follow up with the details.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've read this sentence at least three times. It's a bit convaluted for my brain. Maybe the scifi readers will digest this better than others. ;)
No - too complicated. Nice concept but needs a simpler cleaner start.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry. Is there a connection between "from crown to 'roots' " and the rooting box? If not, "roots/rooting" is an odd repetition that made it confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo, too much going on for me to follow what's happening.
ReplyDeleteNo, I think there's a lot to parse here and it's hard to digest lots of world-building elements in a first line without any context. This might work better as a later line.
ReplyDeleteNo. I found myself skimming through the first line. I can tell the writer put a lot of thought into the line, but I think it is just too much info for a first line.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much detail and word repetition and not easily grasped or visualized. (The fact that the title is equally confusing does not help)
ReplyDeleteNo, just no. I found myseld re-reading and saying "huh?". And not confusing in a good I want to read more way.
ReplyDeleteNo. Confusing and over-written. Is the water pooling in the eyes supposed to be tears? Because on first read, I thought of some sort of water tortue. Why doesn't he/she blink?
ReplyDeleteNo. Too wordy.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm confused, and it worries me that the rest of the story will be confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. After reading it a few times I understand it, and that it appears to be from the POV of an alien or plantlike creature, but the construction of the sentence put me off.
ReplyDeleteNo, could be an interesting story, but this sentence is too confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. Found the sentence too flowery, no distinctive voice, too many phrases.
ReplyDeleteNo--but I like the idea! It's just that it's too much about clones much too soon. You could do this same thing in simpler language, and I think I'd say yes--if you just directly told me that after so many years of work you're finally getting to see your clone, or something like that. Direct would do more for me, here. Description can come later.
ReplyDeleteNo. I did understand that the narrator is not meant to be human and therefore would not describe things in the way a human would, but itwas still too difficult to follow. Was the human covered in blood? Was the creature crying? Is the entry pod part of the creature or the enviornment?
ReplyDeleteNo sorry, too much
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know what's going on here and why there are clones.
ReplyDeleteNo. It was too wordy and to be honest I only skimmed it.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much information that is new to the reader in one sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. I couldn't follow what was going on. I think maybe there's too much info crammed into one sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. I got lost too quickly. It sounds like it could be an interesting concept (I liked "the rooting box that nutured my clones"), but might be better off explained later. And "water pooled in my eyes" really didn't catch me either.
ReplyDeleteNo. Is this why I don't like science fiction? I'm totally confused.
ReplyDeleteNo. I read it twice and I'm still confused. Try starting with something more familiar instead of cramming so much new terminology into the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. You are trying to do too much with this sentence, and it's not accomplishing anything. I've no idea what an entry pod might be. The word 'root' is used three times in the one sentence. I'm not sure how a human in a cocoon could remove anything from anywhere. Do you mean dressed in red? Just say so and your readers will have more patience.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the reference to clones, but it's difficult to read. There's simply too much going on.
ReplyDeleteI came back and read it again. I understand it now, but I shouldn't have to work that hard.
ReplyDeleteNo. Way, way too much information that doesn't make sense on first reading.
ReplyDeleteNo. Seems a little wierd to me.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what's going on here. Is the MC crying? Does that mean the clones are dead? I can't tell because I don't know what species the MC is (Ship? Giant plant?) or what a rooting box is. Too much world building up front with no explanation.
No. The sentence is convoluted and over-written.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much to try to follow.
ReplyDeleteNo. There is a lot going on in that one sentence, and it's hard to figure out what the focus is. I think you'd be better served by breaking this into several sentences.
ReplyDeleteno. You're trying to squeeze too much info in that one sentence
ReplyDeleteno, too much, too fast.
ReplyDeleteNo. I was lost, right from the start.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too disjointed for an opening sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteNo, not sure what's going on in the sentence.
ReplyDelete