TITLE: HOUSE OF THISTLES
GENRE: Women's Fiction
It wasn't a tradition I enjoyed, but Maxine, my sister, insisted on keeping up the rituals of family gatherings. So I drove to her house for our brother’s birthday lunch. Her driveway wasn’t paved, but dirt packed down in grooves from the tires. Live oaks lined both sides, casting shadows across a yard that tried in places to stay green through the patches of sunlight. I turned to Harley as the car idled.
Her face reminded me of something a lab technician I once worked with said to me years ago. She had two beautiful biracial children, the perfect pairing of a son and a daughter. My co-worker had strawberry-blonde hair with a light smattering of freckles against her pale skin, and her husband was one of the best nephrologists I had the pleasure of knowing. But the woman said something strange to me not long after I took in a scared seven-year-old little girl—a gift to me from a childhood friend. She told me that when she looked at her children, she didn’t see the color of their skin. She only saw them. I had wondered if that was how I would see my daughter, Harley, as she grew from a child who peeked around corners at me to one who would eventually accept me as her mom.
Eight years later, I still couldn’t see how any mother could not notice how her daughter’s pink highlights framed the smooth, milk-chocolate skin or the gentle slope of her nose.
Interesting concept. I really like the last line. Perhaps too much detail in the first para. I had to read the second para 2xs before I understood who was who. I think it definitely could be tightened up a bit - and hint at more of the tension: Why was her daughter peeking around corners? Have they been estranged?
ReplyDeleteI can tell there's an interesting story here, but I feel like it's coming at me too quickly- cutting the character descriptions would help. I'm not interested in what they look like right now- I want to know why I should care about these people. Right now, sadly, I don't. I think I could, but I'm not given a really compelling reason to. Starting with an active scene that includes an interesting personality/voice showing through with a few thoughts to help us connect to the character might make this work better. Just my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI like the flow of this, with the balance of description and inner reflection. I'd like to know more about how Harley came to be in the MC's care, because I find the phrase "a gift to me from a childhood friend" a curious explanation.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that trips me up here is the way the co-worker and her husband are described, and then the next sentence begins with "But the woman said something strange." I'm not sure what the "but" is inferring here, as previously we're just told the co-worker was blonde, and the husband the best nephrologist, so I'm not quite tying the two sentences together.
I would not describe the co-worker in the second paragraph. There are too many characters to keep track of at the beginning. In fact I would cut out the sisters name (Maxine) and just focus the redaer on the MC and her daughter in the first page or so. Nevertheless, I would read on to see if the next page or so would make things clearer.
ReplyDeleteI like this woman, and I'm interested to know more about her relationship with her siblings and how she got her daughter.
ReplyDeleteWithout knowing Harley is biracial, jumping into the description of the friend with biracial children seems random and is a little jolting. I suggest moving the description of her to the end of the first paragraph.
There is a lot of passive voice. Changing to active voice would tighten up some of the description.
ReplyDeleteI do like the premise and think the multicultural/racial aspect makes an interesting story.
I'm sorry but the second paragraph is unwieldy and confusing. The very first sentence in that paragraph makes no sense to me. There's little reason to keep Harley's identity a secret until the end of the paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI take from this that Harley is a bi-racial child that hasn't been fully accepted by the family. You need to make it simpler.
I'm curious how one gets a child as a gift. That alone would keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteI like your writing style here, as it brings a good voice to this opening. I esp. like the last line of this, as it's a good point.
I don't think Maxine's name is relevant in your opening sentence. I was confused at the end of P1 when the MC turned to Harley. At first, I thought it may be her dog sitting in the car with her.
ReplyDeleteP2 is confusing, mentioning Harley's face, a lab technician, her husband, and a childhood friend. I think long paragraphs tend to intimidate readers, especially at the beginning of a book. But this is JMHO.
The reference to the woman not seeing her children's skin color made me think she was 'color-blind' toward race. Then in your last paragraph, you mention "I couldn't see how any mother could not notice [skin color] and the slope of her nose." Totally quashes my initial thought.
"A gift to my from a childhood friend" is intriguing.
I think you have a fresh concept, but your opening needs some tightening.
The first paragraph pulled me into the story. It made me wonder about their family traditions, the brother's birthday, and question why the why the driveway wasn't paved. (Just kidding about the driveway.)
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph was difficult to figure out. The technician's words obviously made a big impact on the MC. You should show this as a scene rather than just telling the reader about it.
I like the multi-cultural theme.
I would also say be careful with too much description too fast, especially if you're describing more than one person. I like the slightly controversial note you start this story on and it would compel me to read more. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThis is just my opinion, but I suspect you could begin later. You can usually begin on the key launch point of a story and then back up and explain it.
ReplyDeletei agree with the other comments about tightening up - i had to read through a couple of times to understand what was going on. i LOVE the setting of the sister's driveway - beautiful description that really places me right there.
ReplyDeleteI think the confusion here stems from a jumping around in subject. For example, the first sentence in the second paragraph ends with 'said to me years ago.' The expectation is that the next sentence will be what she said, not a description of the co-worker.
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph you specify who Maxine is, but not who Harley is. And a child as a gift? A bi-racial child as a gift? That in itself could go to weird places in a reader's mind you might not intend.
I think if you just streamline this to be more specific - who is the MC and what is her problem, right up front, it sounds like it can be a very compelling story.
Good luck!
I like the family theme, but seems to be too much description without anything happening. Maybe add some action or dialogue?
ReplyDeleteNephrologists have to do with kidneys, not skin color. Since we got a description of the mother (strawberry blonde) and the kids (bi-racial), I figured we'd get a description of dad, too.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I like this. The intro drew me in, but overall it is a bit passive. It sounds interesting, especially the girl being a "gift", and it would be hard to overlook pink highlights!
I really want to love this but I'm not reeled in. Your story might not be starting in the right place. If she's already at the family gathering, interacting, then reflecting, I think it might provider richer context and a more engaging opening. You're certainly a capable writer. :)
ReplyDeleteI want to know more, but at the same time this beginning is a bit too description heavy. I agree with everyone else that perhaps you are not starting the story at the right place. Where is the action?
ReplyDeleteI would consider starting the story at the birthday lunch and weaving in some of the back story and reflections in as they are mixed with actions.
It's actually kind of funny. I did start with the birthday lunch, but a published author looked at my first five pages and said it was too much too soon and suggested that I take a page to introduce the MC and her daughter before throwing them into the nutty family situation. Thanks for everyone's input. It sounds like I should have stuck with my initial instincts.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that I'm not the onlyh one confused. There's a great story here, but we have to dig through a lot of information, poorly presented, to get to it. I think with some tweaking, this could really work. However, there's a lot of information dumping in the first paragraph, the lead up to who Harley is takes too long, I didn't understand at first if the protagonist was male or female. You get the point. However, the dynamic is there. The setting seems interesting.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest slowing down the story and weaving in the explanations a little better. Watch out with naming your characters--there are a number of "she's" in the second paragraph, for example, and they were difficult to keep straight. Also, this issues that are brought up may be more compelling once we get to know the key characters a bit more. This is a nice idea that needs work.