I'm not seeing the connections between one sentence and the next. And I wonder how she can focus on the voice and ignore it at the same time. And any slight deviation from what?
No. I picture this girl being tasked with putting a bullet in the head of a boy who's young and scared enough that he might cry. I don't want to read about that.
I'm interested in the grim, callous voice in her head. I'm not sure I'm crazy about it being capitalized. But the third sentence doesn't make sense to me and seems disconnected from the previous two. It's a toss up for me.
Eh. Loved the first sentence. The second one sounds cliche and I'm disappointed. I haven't the foggiest idea what the third one's supposed to mean. Deviation from what? What dispatch? I had to pull out the mental dictionary to see which definitions of this word fit the context. Especially since "take one more bullet" could go either way, as in taking a bullet in one's own chest or taking two shots--two bullets--to do the deed to someone else. So 100% confused until I pulled out my freshman English sentence parsing skills. Still not sure what it has to do with anything.
I didn't quite get how this all connected up. Right now, I have no picture of what is going to happen. The first line was a total grabber, but you lost me with the second and third.
I'm completely lost. The genre is blank so I have no idea if this is YA, adult, crime, mystery. Having "The Voice" in caps makes me think of a ghost or something paranormal. This may have a strong first page, but I just don't get enough from these three lines to understand anything.
Unfortunately I also have to say I'm lost - I feel like you need to take a step back and set the scene for me before launching into the action. As written, I can't tell what's happening.
Ooh, sounds assassiny. I like assassins. I like the mystery of what's going on, what this Voice is, and who the bullet is intended for. There's a couple little nitpicks where you could tighten the sentences up (focus and ignore; Any slight deviation), but overall, I'd probably keep reading.
I would lose the word focus and stick with ignore. One action seems enough to get the point across. I'm not sure what the third line means at all. I would keep reading considering that three little lines is extremely difficult to judge a story by. I assume what type of dispatch will be explained, and your genre: Genre will be clear ;)
Confusing. Who is he? Is he The Voice or is the voice the one wondering if he will cry? And who/what is the dispatch and what does this have to do with him and The Voice? You have way too many things going on here for an opening.
I would totally read more. I'm sensing the tension, and I'm nervous. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not seeing the connections between one sentence and the next. And I wonder how she can focus on the voice and ignore it at the same time. And any slight deviation from what?
ReplyDeleteyou've lost me, no idea what is going on and too vague for me to care.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of tension here - who is being shot, why, and who can read her mind and why? Great start.
ReplyDeleteNo. I picture this girl being tasked with putting a bullet in the head of a boy who's young and scared enough that he might cry. I don't want to read about that.
ReplyDeleteThis feels like we landed right in the middle of a scene. Without prelude, I have very little idea what's going on or why I should care.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in the grim, callous voice in her head. I'm not sure I'm crazy about it being capitalized. But the third sentence doesn't make sense to me and seems disconnected from the previous two. It's a toss up for me.
ReplyDeleteEh. Loved the first sentence. The second one sounds cliche and I'm disappointed. I haven't the foggiest idea what the third one's supposed to mean. Deviation from what? What dispatch? I had to pull out the mental dictionary to see which definitions of this word fit the context. Especially since "take one more bullet" could go either way, as in taking a bullet in one's own chest or taking two shots--two bullets--to do the deed to someone else. So 100% confused until I pulled out my freshman English sentence parsing skills. Still not sure what it has to do with anything.
ReplyDeleteAgree with post above. The deviation and dispatch...confused.
ReplyDeleteI didn't quite get how this all connected up. Right now, I have no picture of what is going to happen. The first line was a total grabber, but you lost me with the second and third.
ReplyDeleteI'm completely lost. The genre is blank so I have no idea if this is YA, adult, crime, mystery. Having "The Voice" in caps makes me think of a ghost or something paranormal. This may have a strong first page, but I just don't get enough from these three lines to understand anything.
ReplyDeleteSorry, just doesn't work for me. I have no guesses at all!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I also have to say I'm lost - I feel like you need to take a step back and set the scene for me before launching into the action. As written, I can't tell what's happening.
ReplyDeleteOoh, sounds assassiny. I like assassins. I like the mystery of what's going on, what this Voice is, and who the bullet is intended for. There's a couple little nitpicks where you could tighten the sentences up (focus and ignore; Any slight deviation), but overall, I'd probably keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI would not read on. The first two lines were okay, but that third one took me out of it, and totally confused me.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but I don't think I'd keep reading. I like your first line, and your second line is intriguing as well, but your third line confuses me.
ReplyDeleteI would lose the word focus and stick with ignore. One action seems enough to get the point across. I'm not sure what the third line means at all. I would keep reading considering that three little lines is extremely difficult to judge a story by. I assume what type of dispatch will be explained, and your genre: Genre will be clear ;)
ReplyDeleteConfusing. Who is he? Is he The Voice or is the voice the one wondering if he will cry? And who/what is the dispatch and what does this have to do with him and The Voice? You have way too many things going on here for an opening.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
I like it, though it seems like a big topic jump between the second and third sentences. Perhaps if I read more it would be clearer.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused by the third sentence, but I'd keep reading to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
ReplyDelete