TITLE: The Plow in the Tree
GENRE: Historical Women's Fiction
Pearl Harbor aboard the Solace, December 8, 1941
When he awoke, he opened his eyes to pitch black. The screams he’d last remembered hearing had died down, and now wherever he lay was eerily quiet. Instead of the whine of torpedoes or the continuous boom of explosions, only the waves were awake, lapping peacefully against the hull. He racked his muddled mind as to why he could not see, but all he remembered were bits and pieces from a life he supposed was his. Streaks of faces and places exploded in his mind as brilliantly as the flash of a camera light bulb. He tried to shake away the distorted images, moaning when the sheer power of pain arced up and through his body.
Muted footsteps approached where he lay and a cool hand came to rest on his forehead. From the slender press of fingers, he figured it to be a female hand. The hand pulled away. The steps retreated but soon returned. He heard the slosh of liquid in a metal bowl and then something cool and wet was placed across his forehead. He parted his lips, hoping that he could still speak and tell her of the excruciating pain he felt in every limb, crevice, and joint in his body.
“Miss?” he managed to croak out. His voice sounded tinny, almost foreign to his ear.
The heat of her body radiated against his as she leaned in close to listen to what he had to say.
I really like this. It put me there in that scene with all my senses. That's impressive in such a short time. The tension is nicely woven in and his confusion at where he is and what he remembers snagged me. My favorite so far!
ReplyDeleteNice opening - you really use all the senses to bring the readers into the scene. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. Sort of had an "English Patient" feel, however. Also notice how many times the word "he" is used in the first paragraph alone. It jumped out at me and I think you could reword the sentences to cut some of them out.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, I like it a lot. I could really picture the scene; great imagery. Love the last line. Thank you, also, for providing the setting. I have no idea where the title comes from, but I assume it's not arbitrary? Seems a bit odd to me. I would definitely read this one, though, no matter what the title.
ReplyDeleteThe descriptions here are lovely. I really liked the characterization of the waves as "awake" and the contrast between the noise of what I assume was the bombing and the quiet he is in now.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I read your work I know that you are made to write. Keep up your hard work and do give up! Loved this little story.
ReplyDeleteI mean don't give up! Just shows engineers can't write!
ReplyDeleteOpening with the date gives us an immediate sense of what has just happened. Then you go on to make it personal by drawing me right in to this character's situation, his pain, but leaving me with enough questions as to what, specifically, happened to him. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI greatly appreciate the date and time setting given right up front. I agree with the others you captured the characters using the different senses. Something about WWII-era stories almost always draw me in. There is room here to cut down some repetitive description. Look for redundancies and words that don't add to the character's feeling or conflict.
ReplyDeleteHere is an example, take what you will as the specific edits should be your own, but I think you can show the same setting by saying less:
He opened his eyes to pitch black. The screams had died down, all was now eerily quiet. Instead of the continuous boom of explosions, only the waves were awake, lapping peacefully against the hull. All he remembered were bits and pieces from a life he supposed was his; Streaks of faces and places exploded in his mind as brilliantly as the flash of a camera light bulb. He shook away the distorted images when pain arced through his body.
I love everything but the first two sentences. They sound wrong to me, out of rhythm, forced, whatever. The rest flows sweetly, pretty even, but the intro doesn't do it for me.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...maybe like: "It was pitch black when he opened his eyes. He lay there, taking measure of this strange new feeling. Gone too were the screams and the explosions, and in their place was an eery kind of silence."
I don't know, it just needs something that flows better with the rest. I write by feel and it feels wrong. But you are obviously talented, so it shouldn't be hard for you to come up with two new lines to match the rest of your beautiful submission!
Would it be The Solace, with a capital "T" on The? Some ships are The, and this sounds like it should be.
Lovely and lyrical! Good job!
I like this. The 'and now wherever he lay' bit felt awkward, and there are a couple other places that I had to reread, but overall I like the imagery. Great use of the senses we frequently underuse, it emphasizes his confusion and as yet unknown injuries.
ReplyDeleteGuess it'd be "Gone, too, were the screams and explosions." I need a fifth-grader to help me with my punctuation!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, good job!
I really liked the sentence about the muted footsteps. Very well written.
ReplyDeleteThis is nicely done and the imagery is terrific. The timeline is a helpful addition so I would keep that. I think through the details you use you set the scene well--strong, physical details pull the reader into the scene. I think some of the phrases and sentences could be polished, but it's an intriguing opening.
ReplyDelete