TITLE: Heart's Conviction
GENRE: Romance
A light September wind carried a gathering fog and the smell of sewage from the Thames. Emily Starling waited at the back of the open cart, hoping her trembles wouldn't clatter the ankle chains. Rows of moored ships stretched along the docklands, their masts rising like a primeval forest.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of details here but (with what seem to be revisions), they are delivered fairly unobtrusively. The descriptions set an ominous atmosphere, made more so by the mention of Emily's chains. I want to see where she's being sent on one of those ships.
Woops. I forgot the rules. I'm not supposed to comment on these, am I. NM.
ReplyDeleteI think the chains is a great detail. I think it's a stronger detail than your first--it's the detail that makes me want to know what's going on. If there's some way to open with that, or include it--say the wind carried the sound of her clanking chains somehow...I don't know. I like the first line, but the second line definitely grabs me more. Love the third. Beautiful writing!
ReplyDeleteYou can make description do more for you if you relate it in some way to your character. Maybe she can smell the sewage or react to the smell, or have a hard time seeing through the fog.
ReplyDeleteThe chains make me think 1800's or earlier, and if that's the case, did they have sewers in those days?
Ooh. Why is Emily chained? I would read more, though perhaps you can loose the bit about the forest. It's a very well loved image, and it would be stronger if you found something more original and particular to Emily's world view to describe it.
ReplyDelete(Is she a baker? She can compare them to baguettes. Is she a seamstress? She can compare them to needles. etc.)
I'm also hooked at the chains detail (although I think "her trembling" might be more grammatically correct).
ReplyDeleteAwesome. Great sense of place, mood, tension, stakes, etc. I'm in.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot.I would read on... But primeval threw me off. If she is well-educated then its fine. But with the way she used "trembles" she seemed of a lower class which made me think she wouldn't use such a word as 'primeval'.
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty, which makes it perfect for a romance. It's a good introduction to setting and character. I have no real complaints.
ReplyDeleteI voted no on the first line because it didn't strike me, but I like this a lot better with additional lines. I'm intrigued about why she's in chains, but it reads like a Historical Romance, not a contemporary one. The genre doesn't specify, but moored ships makes me think it's not modern.
ReplyDeleteThis one still attracts me, even though it's not my typical read.The essence of raw sewage dumped in the river evokes a different time, as does the cart and masts. Change tremble to trembling and I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteBecause I write historical fiction, I get a taste of history with these three sentences. The sewage in the Thames, the open cart, the chained shackles, and the ships anchored at dock. I get a view of historical England.
ReplyDeleteI would read more.
I want to read more.
Oh and I was told the same thing about the setting being part of the character, too. For instance, the sewage could sting or crinkle the MC's nose or the fog could cause the MC to squint. I'm sure sure you could think of something more creative and not so cliche, but hopefully you get my point:)
ReplyDeleteIf I read romance, then as a whole, yes these three lines would probably make me want to read more, but if it were only based on the first line, now. The trembling chains are really the hook in this opening. The first sentence, while well-written, just doesn't draw me in as much as the next sentence does.
ReplyDeleteI would read more! You do a good job setting the scene. I like that I can picture, and smell, everything clearly. And like many of the other commenters, I'm intrigued by the chains. I absolutely want to read more!
ReplyDeleteI would read more. The ankle chains did it for me. I think that second line should be moved to the first.
ReplyDeleteInteresting... would read on! I think you managed to hint at a lot without muddling in too many details. I definitely gathered an image in my head, and that's pretty good for 3 lines! Nice work.
ReplyDeleteThis lacks cohesion. What does the smell of the Thames have to do with her trembles and moored ships and their masts? This reads like two clumps of unrelated descriptions with a reaction stuck in the middle that doesn't go with either.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
Love this. Give me more! Love the atomsphere, that you've given me someone specific to root for. Trembles and ankle chains... sets up a lot of questions that I want to know the answers to!
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes! I love everything about this.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd read on. I want to discover why they've fallen on hard times.
ReplyDeleteYes, although I almost never read romance. A more active verb than "hoping" could strengthen the character as well as the opening. (Something along the lines of, Emily waited...willing her trembling legs not to clatter the ankle chains.)
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences are great, but the third feels a bit overloaded. I think I would've preferred if it stayed focused on the character rather than returning to describing the setting.
ReplyDelete