Tuesday, August 21, 2012

First Line Grabber Round Two #2

TITLE: BEANBLOSSOM VERSUS BOMBASTIC BANDITS
GENRE: MG Mystery

Up until that fateful Friday the Thirteenth, Jacob Beanblossom’s claim to fame had been the ability to fart on cue. But that was about to change.

Jacob dragged Old Man Fudgewick’s bratty Pomeranian, Special Fella, down Main Street and toward Madame LeChance’s Psychic Palace.

28 comments:

  1. I would totally keep reading! I'm curious why Jacob's claim to fame is going to change, and I want to know what happens when he reaches the Psychic Palace.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AAAAAH too many names! My eyes glaze over.

    However, I think here it might work, just because the names are really really funny. It might be safer to introduce the Pomeranian's name when Jacob talks to it--"look Special Fella, stop being so bratty"--not like that obviously.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is fun but getting a little over the top. I agree with Petre Pan that it might be better choice to ease reader into some of the details through dialogue.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think it would work better if you cut the first two sentences and started with the last one. That way, you're starting the story in the story, instead of telling the reader what's about to happen, and it's way more interesting (to me) than someone losing the ability to fart on cue.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I really like the world you're building here, and I LOVE the first sentece. But the third sentence is just too jam packed with people and places for me to follow. Break it up a bit?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Still interesting, but I'm lost in the sea of names. Cut a bit, if you can.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes, but you're giving us too much info. Cut the Pomeranian's name and cut out the Main Street reference. Less info overload and more situational punch.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This might sound like a weird nitpick, but all the proper nouns are driving me crazy--too many capital letters! I agree with the other commenters. We don't need all those names right up front; you can weave them in as you go. There's a lot of whimsical characterization here, which fits the genre, so great job on that.

    ReplyDelete
  9. (Okay, apparently, I can comment on these.)

    I would read more to see where it goes. The world seems fun and imaginative, but there were a few too many proper nouns in the first few sentences.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Great voice but too many names.
    Seems over-the-top, like maybe you're trying too hard to be funny. I'd keep reading, though!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love the voice. But the first and second paragraphs need a segue.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The second sentence feels a bit redundant. You already told us it was changing with the "up until..." That's not such a big deal, though, as the rapid-fire names in the third sentence. Wow. Hold your horses there and let me catch up.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, this sounds interesting! I think my sons of the target audience age would definitely read on. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. So great. First and second lines utterly hooked me. The third was really interesting, but I was a bit adrift -- there were a lot of names and capitalised things. Maybe I'm a bit dim, but that always throws me.

    I would definitely read on. This sounds like real fun.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This book sounds like so much fun. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Working too hard in the third sentence, but I still love it!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Haha! I love this exactly the way it is. All of the names crack me up. If you ever need a crit partner, look me up because I'd love to read this!

    ReplyDelete
  18. This would toally hook a middle grader... I really wouldn't worry about what any adult has to say (except of course agents, ha!) about the first two lines. You will hook a MG kid with "Friday the Thirteeth" and "fart."

    But I agree the the third sentence has too many names to keep track of.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  19. This would hook a MG reader, and it hooked me. I'd suggest tightening it up a bit. The third sentence has a lot of names all at once, which could get a bit overwhelming, but overall I thought the tone and voice were great for a MG book.

    ReplyDelete
  20. The third line kind of took me out of it (and yes, those names, too), but I would probably continue to read because that first line still grabbed me.

    ReplyDelete
  21. For some reason, I hear the first two lines in my head as being read by the voice actor who reads the gritty teaser trailers. Anyway, the MS has a great voice- very fun and funny. I do agree about going cross eyed on the third sentence and its string of names, however. I'd read on regardless!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I agree that there are too many names for 3 sentences but I do like the voice.

    Good luck!
    ~Holly

    ReplyDelete
  23. This is a great first line for a MG novel. It's target audience will love it. However, the last line is toooo messy. We don't need all the names. "Pomeranian" is plenty (You can slip in the name later.) You can even call it the Psychic Palace. That's more than enough.

    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  24. All is great except for the third sentence. Too much, too many capitals. Splitting it up would work better.

    ReplyDelete
  25. great beginning for mg! a little too wordy on the third line, but i like the names so not sure... i'd read on for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  26. quite vivid with a lively voice. would definitely keep reading.

    ReplyDelete
  27. The third sentence has a lot of names to wade through. Maybe you could cut or move some of them to a later spot?

    ReplyDelete