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I think breaking this up definitely strengthened it from your previous entry. I'm still not really into the theme, and I still don't really know what the story's 'conflict' is, but I do like the writing a whole lot!
I'd suggest cutting it even more.I was born into this world (you wrote life, but in the end of the sentence you use world. I would use world here to be consistent.)I was born into this world a witch--naked and pink. I was taken out less pink, less pure.
It's a strong opening; I'm not certain I would continue reading because I'm not particularily a fan of the "Little did I know..." style of opening (that is, the MC tells us that their life will get worse / breaks the fourth wall by shattering the illusion that they are just going about their day and are instead narrating to us, however inadvertantly). My personal preferences aside, it's strong, though not particularily original.
Doesn't hook me, but it didn't the first time, either. It feels too much like the narrator's looking back on something she doesn't really care about, even though her own death should be important.
Yes, but the ultimate story better live up to the promise made by this delightful understatement.
It's not quite there for me, but I can't quite pinpoint why. The structure of it seems a little cliche, perhaps--very prologue-ey.
I like the first line. I like the last two even better. It makes a pretty good opening more powerful, IMO.
I like this. The writing has a nice style and flow. I'm curious why the MC being a witch meant she had to die naked. That's a very unusual, specific detail, and I can tell it's important. I'd read more to find out what that's about. I especially liked the lines, "Less pink. Less pure." In just four words you tell us a lot about the character, who she is and how she's changed over her life. It hints at the things she's done.
I might read more. It was the "Less pure" line that hooked me. I want to find out how she's fallen from Grace. The pink part is awkward for me, though, and doesn't seem to matter much (unless she turned blue or something).
Though the "witch" theme isn't my taste, by the end, I was intrigued. :)
I'm intrigued - I want to know how (s)he was taken out of this world, so I would read one.
I wasn't very grabbed by this. It seems to take itself very seriously, especially the phrasing 'as nature intended' and 'Less pink. Less pure.'I guess I like openings a little lighter. I will say that this is VERY well written, though.
I'm not really a fan of this kind of opening, where the character 'talks' to the reader rather than lives inside the story. But that's just a personal preference.
Um...this is four lines, not three. The original entry had the first two sentences combined as one. Also, when you say "naked just the same" it implies that she's still just as pink. The fact that she's not doesn't mean anything to me. I'm still not intrigued.
This just doesn't do it for me. Too victimized for my tastes, but that's just me (my Pollyanna personality won't let me wallow in misery). But good job on delivering the woe-is-me feeling. And for some reason, the naked pink part always gets me thinking of baby possums, which gross me out. I have no idea why my mind goes there!
I'd have to say no. Just seems to passive. You have an interesting start, but the next sentences don't generate enough curiosity to make me keep reading. The repetition of the opening idea isn't tweaked enough for me to want to keep going.
I would not read on. Looks like a lot of backstory is about to come forth.
For me this is a near perfect opening and I would keep reading, BUT, would be disappointed if a lot of backstory followed.
I agree with the life/world comment another person made; the repetition would feel purposeful in this instance. The only nitpick is starting the next sentence with And; I don't mind this usually, but I think the line would read more strong without it.
I like this. I agree with changing the "life" to "world" (to be consistent) and would add a "But" before "less pink"' but otherwise would not change a thing.
I wasn't a big fan of the first line, but the two short ones after it catch my interest.
i like the first sentence, but i am waning a little after the third. not sure if the witch is a gray bad baby?
Really like the voice and the flow of the words. I'd keep reading.
I'm on the fence. Witch stories don't really interest me but the I like the flow.