Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes. Super heroes and relationship problems AND murder--I'm hooked.
No. I think the author was going for snarky, but the whole thing comes off a little convoluted.
YES! There's so much to wonder in here. Fourth girlfriend. His parents. And the 'that' part. It IS a little stoic. As if it's funny that three people are dead. But it's still catching.
Yes. Could be fine tuned a bit. But it was still catchy.
No. Sentence is pretty hefty, and it feels like the reader is being addressed, which is jarring.
No. Too much too soon for me.
Yes. The fourth girlfriend bit is funny.
Yes. I had been on the fence because it's a slightly awkward sentence, but I'm a sucker for anything that mentions the word superhero.
No, because I'm not sure who's speaking to whom--is one of them the superhero or a writer of a superhero comic book? Also, I'd rather see "that" them hear them talk about "that."
Yes. I want to know how they were killed, and why it's important to say it was the fourth girlfriend.
No. The fourth seems irrelevant and I don't like the em dash in the first sentence.
No. Needs to be grounded.
Yes. It raises questions, and combines several interesting topics-superheroes, girlfriends, murder- seamlessly.
Yes. Good question.
No. Simply didn't interest me, and for no particular reason.
No. Sentence was awkward.
Yes. In my head it's a cafeteria-styled debate. I'd read more just to see what the context was.
YES. Is this a debate between two friends about a comic they read or a comic they're writing? I'm curious to know what they're talking about.
No, it's a little too much.
No. The idea is okay, but I'm not sure if it's suppose to be going. I want more grounding.
Yes.Because I like the voice.
No. The superhero's fourth girlfriend, but then you say "his" - girl or boy? Confused.
No, sorry - it's a bit of a pet peeve for me when dialogue sums up information that the other person would already know.
Yes, because I love the line, especially since the "that" implies killing them so other way wouldn't have been quite so bad, but I'm honestly not sure it would be the best thing to open on.
No. "fourth girlfriend" doesn't intrigue me at all, if anything, it makes it all sound commonplace.
No. The line itself is okay, but I'm not a fan of it as an opener. There's too many people--too many people who are not the MC.
Yes. I want to know how they were killed, and how it compares to the way his previous three girlfriends were killed.
No. I had to read it several times to figure out what it meant. It probably works quite well in context, but we don't have context.
No, although it should, so let me think...I guess it's a little confusing? Not sure. This is one who definitely needs line two!
No. I guess I don't care about superheroes.
No. The 'fourth" was weird.
No. I had to read it a couple times, and I didn't really get it.
No. I feel like people don't speak with "--" in their sentences. I might like it better if it was in commas... but the dashes lose me.
No. I was confused as to why there was a significance to the fouth girlfriend and not the third. Can't go wrong with superheroes but it felt like too much.
No. I was confused why someone would bother to use 'fourth' to describe a girlfriend. Usually girlfriends are referred to as girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, without counting out the order.
No. I actually really like this lin, but don't like books that start with dialogue.
Yes. While the sentence needs work (I'd drop the parents part altogether) I like the voice here, the narrator being critical/disbelieving of something she's read and not accepting of the story line.
Yes. I agree with the above comment. Drop the parents.
Yes. This shows the interests of the speaking voice. It seems like casual dialogue.
No. Sounds like a kid reading a comic book more than an exciting plot development.
Yes. But depending on next lines might move on. Intrigued, but the call out on 'fourth girlfriend' bothers me. Player? Immature (has to count them)?
Yes. Talking about a fourth girlfriend grabbed me.
Yes, you had me at superhero. I'm wondering, tho, if fourth really needs to be there. Does it matter if it's fourth or second or fiftieth? At least, does it matter in the first sentence? Hope to see the next line.
No. To me, the dialogue feels forced, especially for a first sentence.
No, Why does it have to be his fourth girlfriend?
Yes. Admittedly, I'm hoping this is some side-kick trying to tell the super-villianous character that the scheme doesn't have to be that complicated/nefarious/weird.
NoI think it should just open with the girlfriend or the parents. Both feels a little convoluted. Or maybe taking out the hyphens would make it flow better.
No. I'm not sure if this is meant to be humorous, (fourth girlfriend) or serious (parents). Either way attaching it to the serious idea of killing, doesn't sit right.
No, although I was on the fence. It was too confusing trying to figure out who "you" is.
Yes. I said no at first, but given the title and genre (not fantasy) I now get that someone is commenting on a comic book. Without the context it's hard to tell (not your fault since it's first lines only). I would keep reading for the comics angle.
No, not for me... I have a tough time starting with dialogue when it isn't clear who's speaking.
No. Starting with dialogue is not the best choice. Starting with a question is not the best choice. And starting with dialogue that poses a question is a double whammy. It also did not read as natural speech. Seemed forced and artifical.
No. Feels forced, like you're trying too hard for shock value.
No. This sounds like it needs a base for reference. Like this, it's confusing.
Yes. I like the fourth girlfriend detail - funny!
No. But I waffled on this, I'll be honest. It makes me wonder how they were killed, and why it was any worse than other ways to die, but "a superhero's fourth girlfriend" just sounds forced.
Yes, but only because I'm curious about the situation. I don't really like the dialogue start or the voice here.
Yes, must read until I at least find out like what?
Yes because I like superheroes, but I agree that the dialog feels forced.
No, squeezing in so much information it's feeling forced and unnatural
Yes. I want to know how they were killed off and why. And why does the superhero have a fourth girlfriend?
No. Somehow the sentence was too clunky, not smooth.
No. Don't like that it opens with a quote and we have no idea who's talking.
Yes. I want to know the "that."
No. Didn't grab my attention. I'm not sure I like opening a story with a question. Just my personal taste.
Yes. I got curious at the mention of superheros, and I'm wondering about the "fourth girlfriend" bit. However, it does have a problem with me not being sure how to read it in context-- who's saying it and how they are saying it.
yes. it's very clear what the conflict will be about without being cryptic and gimmick-y
No. The dialogue does nothing for me.
No. While I like superheroes, this just confuses me. Who is talking? Am I supposed to like the superhero? Be sad? There are so many different ways to slant this statement I'm almost guaranteed to have to come back and reread it later to insert appropriate nuance.
No. I feel like it belongs in "Drop the needle" not an opening line. I'm lost.
Yes, but just barely. It makes me intrigued but can definitely be more fine tuned.
No. I find it hard to follow.
No.I appreciated the attempt at a humorous voice, but I'm not sure why "fourth" girlfriend was important or how she's gets top billing but the superhero's parents only get an aside. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be giving importance to in this sentence.
Yes. I wnat to know why the 'fourth' girlfriend.
No. I keep reading the "his" parents as the girlfriend's parents, which I know is wrong. A direct statement of what happened might be more effective.
No. Sounds too forced and convoluted
No, fourth girlfriend threw me off. No a huge fan of floating dialogue either.
Yes. Superheroes, humor, and murder. This is going to get good!
No. Dialogue with no connection.
No, just doesn't do it for me.