Wednesday, October 9, 2013

October Secret Agent #15

TITLE: Apple Grove
GENRE: New Adult

The artificial blue light from the TV followed Leander into the hallway as he left the living room and walked upstairs. Heavily, he threw himself on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. From downstairs, he could hear the subdued sounds of voices, shots, music and buzzing from the TV. It was the only sound in the house.

It was early evening and he was tired from a long day at work. His feet were sore from having stood up all day. He massaged them gently against each other and rested them on the edge of the bed. His entire body buzzed from tiredness but it was far from bedtime.

The room slowly grew darker around him as the sun set and evening took over. It was raining and he looked at the dark window where drops drew stripes on the glass. Still, the sound from the TV was the only sound in the house, now except from the drumming of rain. A single car drove by on the street. A dog barked in one of the neighbor gardens. The same empty feeling as always. The same day as many others. The same always. Sedated, gray reality.

He sat up on the bed and pulled off his uniform. He hung it nicely so it was ready for next morning. Ready for another of the same eventless days. The sound from the TV changed. Instead of music and shots, it was now music and laughter. They had changed the program.


  1. Not hooked, sorry. Too much valuable real estate is used on describing where the character is, but very little on who the character is, how old, and no hints about what is to come - all I know is he has a uniform, but I don't even know what kind.

    I bet your story really gets going on the next page. Consider starting there.

  2. Not sure if this was the right place to start. I love the idea of an NA from a male POV, but I have no sense of who your character is. There are also a lot of adverbs used to tell what the scene is when stronger verbs would work better. I'm not getting much of a feel for what your story is about based on this first page.

  3. So far, there's no story here. Find the place where the character confronts a problem (not necessarily the main conflict) and start there.

    I'm not an editor or an agent, but from my experience in hearing feedback from them, they wouldn't keep on reading after this first page.

  4. I agree with the other comments in that if you give us more hints about who the character is and less about the actual surroundings, it'll draw readers in. Definitely a case of too much tell, not enough show. But you can easily fix that. I did like the line that read, "...entire body buzzed with tiredness..."

  5. Your MC laid on his bed. All afternoon and evening. He didn't do anything. He didn't think anything. There is no hook to pull the reader in. There's no way to tell what the story might be about.

    If this is what is usual for him, perhaps start the story on the day that is different, when things aren't the same as always, and show us how he reacts to that, show us how it affects his hum drum life. You might also include a second character so there is someone for the MC to interact with.

    I'm guessing something is going to happen to change his life. That moment could be a better place to start.

  6. This is a very quiet beginning, but it does a great job of setting the scene. It sets up curiosity for the reader to keep reading in order to find where this is going. The writing here is good, but this is a static place to start, so we hope something happens soon after this bit.

  7. You've set the stage well, but I'm not sure this was the right place to start. I'm sure the action picks up in the next few paragraphs, and maybe have a go from there? So far, we've read about the monotony of the MC's life, but we're really interested in what will make our heart beat faster.

    Good luck!! Best wishes!