Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logline Critique Round Three #15

TITLE: The Crystal Domain
GENRE: Tween fantasy fiction

A deaf girl receives magical hearing aids. With them she can hear into another realm where voices fight over an ancient crystal necklace—the one her mom just found. Will using the aids solve the mystery or threaten their existence? Think Narnia meets Frozen with a gem and spiritual twist.


  1. This sounds interesting. I personally like it better when the MC is named, because calling her the deaf girl leaves me feeling detached. Also, I'm not sure the question is working here to give the stakes because I'm not clear on what the mystery is and how their existence is threatened. Finally, the last sentence is more of a pitch line than something I'd want to see in a hook, but maybe that's just me.

  2. I love the deaf girl with magic hearing aids concept, though I agree you might want to consider actually naming her. Scratch the question though, because my answer would be "I have absolutely no idea." Rephrase it into actual stakes, because right now I'm not sure what they are. Something like "she has to use the hearing aids to solve the mystery of the voices, but getting pulled too deep into their realm could threaten her very existence." Obviously not that, but you get the idea. I also think the last line feels out of place. It's a great one-line hook, but in this logline I'm not getting how it's like Frozen, so it's confusing me more than anything else. Use that extra space to define your stakes.

  3. I agree about leaving the hook line of comparing your story to something else, out. By giving your MC a name here we can get the sense of character, we know the need. I get that when she hears them talking about the necklace - that is your inciting incident? What is the obstacle? Is the goal to find the necklace and restore it or destroy it? Are the stakes the end of her world or the end of her? Nice premise though keep up the good work! Hope this helps...

  4. I definitely want to know the MC's name. Perhaps you could start with "When Cassie receives her hearing aid the world opens up in a completely unexpected way." This way you can allude to her challenge without stating the disability. I think the concept is fantastic but you need to give your reader more reason to care about your character. What does she do or think about this development. Also I too am not a fan of comparing your story, to something else. With so few words why give someone else some air time?

  5. First of all, I'm throwing virtual poo at you for asking a question in a logline. Sorry. You were warned. :-)

    I really can't tell what your character wants here or what she has to lose. Does she like having the aids? Does she want to keep them? Why does she (or her mom) want this necklace and how does it act as an obstacle to her goal?

    The final comp line should not be here (it's fine for a query though). Also, there is no shelf for tween. You will need to pick either MG or YA.

    Good luck!