Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #37

TITLE: The Roaring Silence
GENRE: Fantasy

Harrison simply wants to mourn his beloved grandfather’s death and live a normal 1920s farm life with his fashion-minded fiancée, Suzie. But when risqué detective socialite Katie Jones shows him his grandfather’s magical Atlantean world, Harrison realizes he must become the guardian his grandfather was—the demons who hunted his grandfather now hunt him, and to have the safe rural life Harrison wants, he must defeat them once and for all.

9 comments:

  1. I think there are generally two character goals: what they want at the opening of the story and what they want after the inciting incident. The more important one in a logline is their post-incident goal, because that's what the story is about. I'm not sure we need to know about Harrison's normal world before he learns about the magic one. I would focus on the second half of the logline. Good luck.

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  2. For me this one seems pretty good but with perhaps a bit too much emphasis on the nature of his life before the detective comes along. The first sentence could be pared down significantly while still expressing what he wanted before things changed. That would leave you more space to delve into the second part, as it seems a bit hurried and lacks emphasis.

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  3. I agree with the previous comments. If you start with the second sentence, everything will be more cohesive. You'll probably also want to split that sentence into two or three so it's not too rambly. Good luck!

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  4. I think you can get to the heart of this story and the stakes quicker if you cut out some of the unnecessary details, or shorten the details. This was a fascinating start though. Sounds more like a book blurb than a logline though.

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  5. This seems to have all the elements you need, but I agree it could be tightened a bit. Most of the information in the first sentence could be saved for the back cover blurb. Atlantean and demons sound fun, though!

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  6. Yes. I agree with the others about paring this down to the key stakes for Harrison and what happens if he fails. It helps me to set a firm wordcount limit -- say 45 words, and keep to that. Think like a Tweet -- you don't have any choice but to fit within that limit.

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  7. The first line is his NEED and I think this is good to include, although it works better if the inciting incident directly creates a GOAL that will fulfil this NEED. You have the goal but it takes a while to get there. I think you need to focus on the fact that he must defeat the demons so he can have his normal life and in order to do so, he will have to do whatever it is he needs to do. I would not mention Katie Jones unless she is a major character here.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  8. I found this intriguing, and I like how you worked in the year. I think you could edit down the number of words a lot -- do we need to know that he learns this from "risque detective socialite Katie Jones'? I like knowing he wants to live a normal farm life, but I think that part too could be shorter. Sounds like a fun story!

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