TITLE: Stagger Inn
GENRE: Women's Fiction
A new bride is suddenly widowed, leaving her as the owner of Stagger Inn, the only bar in a rural town. Repercussions include two suitors who vie for her affections and a murder trial that rivets the countryside.
The first line is a good setup, but it needs to lead to a goal. The second sentence sounds like it contains some conflict, but without a goal, it's not obvious why either of these items will be a problem for the character.ReplyDelete
A great title! The first sentence is strong but in order to have room to beef up the 2nd sentence - can you just say a young widow? Second sentence - lead us into the plot/conflict. 2 suitors isn't so bad! And the murder is interesting - but I'm guessing it affects her. Was her neighbor killed? Just another half a sentence to beef it up.ReplyDelete
Sounds like a strong story.
The title suggests humor; is your story comedic? If so, I suggest weaving a bit of levity into your log-line voice. If not, your title may mislead your readers.ReplyDelete
Love the title! Not sure you need "as" in the first sentence - she is or is not the owner. I suppose two suitors are "repercussions" of widowhood but just saying she has two suitors is fine. Then I'd like to know what the suitors and the murder trial, and the young widow, have in common. What is the widow's goal? To remarry? Prove someone innocent? And what happens if she fails at her goal? What are the stakes?ReplyDelete
Is the murder trial about who killed her husband? If so I'd say:
"_____becomes the owner of Stagger Inn when her new husband befalls an unexpected death."
I agree we need to know what the MC's goal is, and what will happen if she fails.
Beyond the goals that the others mentioned, I think what's missing here is voice. This states the plot, though it isn't necessarily compelling. I think it's the "Repercussions include" which reads like: "this book contains XYZ." Find some vivid action verbs and really sell this! :)ReplyDelete
Thanks for your comments. Yes, the story has a lot of humor. I'll try to get more of this into the logline but its hard to mix humor and murder in two sentences.ReplyDelete
If anyone is still checking this site, here is a new version of my logline.ReplyDelete
A new bride is widowed by an inexplicable car accident, leaving her the owner of Stagger Inn, the only bar in a rural town. Two suitors clumsily vie for her affections while she tries to make a new life for herself. A murder trial rivets the countryside, revealing secrets that result in redemption and romance.
I'd leave out "inexplicable" unless you're going to explain more. Maybe the last sentence should be something more like "A murder trial rivets the countryside, threatening to reveal long-hidden secrets". Otherwise I don't see how romance and redemption can tie into two suitors that she seems uninterested in and I don't see why she needs redemption, she hasn't done anything wrong.ReplyDelete