TITLE: Saving Penelope
GENRE: Adult Literary Fiction
On a farm in the 90’s under a crazed father’s fist, half-black David simmers with his dream of being a black Gatsby. So when his white father whips David’s chest apart in some sick slave fantasy , David flees the golden wheat for Chicago, the promised city…for the naïve.
This looks like it could be really interesting. Does 90s mean 1990s? I'm just a little confused with the reference to Gatsby and then slave fantasy. In addition, I'm curious who Penelope is, but she's not mentioned in the logline. I'm thinking Penelope might be a goal. I'm also wondering what's at stake for David once he reaches Chicago. So you have a lot of beginning details, but I'm not quite hooked fully.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused here. Do you mean the 1990s? I think some of the details you have added here to clarify are just making the sentences longer and more confusing. "under a crazed father's fist" is a great turn of words but it doesn't add anything here, I don't think. Also, instead of half-black, could you simplify and say creole or mulatto? "Whips David's chest apart" is awkward. Do you mean literally? Also "sick slave fantasy is vague" and, I think, unnecessary. "David flees the golden wheat for Chicago..." I'm not sure what the golden wheat is or if that's a reference to Gatsby. Literary isn't my thing, so I'm not up to speed on my Gatsby references. :) Also what happens in Chicago? And who is Penelope? This left me with too many questions and no answers.
ReplyDeleteI love the Gatsby reference and think it relevant today, but I feel takes a bit too long to get to your MC. Could your first sentence start with him "David lives under the fist..." I wonder if it might not be more effective if you introduce David's goal first, his desire for the glitzy hedonistic Gatsby life, in the first sentence, then in the second sentence switch to his reality it might have more impact. When I read it I assumed 1990's since Gatsby wasn't written until 1920's, so I don't mind that part, I assume the agents or editors you send this to would get that.
ReplyDeleteI love this premise. It feels like the father is being introduced twice. You could condense by adding white to the first sentence. I think I'd also delete "some sick slave fantasy." The beating is enough to convey David's motivation, I think.
ReplyDeleteI too am confused by the '90's reference. I assume 1990's but I'm not completely sure. I think you could shorten the part about why David leaves for Chicago and focus on what happens once he gets there. What "promise" does Chicago hold?
ReplyDeleteI would like to see a mention of who Penelope is as well.
This sounds like a very long inciting incident. Try to shorten this and focus on what he wants that is like Gatsby (fame, wealth, a crazy girl who will dump him for a cheating a** named Tom). Then give us more information on what happens in Chicago and why it is going to try to break him dream.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Wow, I love the first sentence. Since you introduce his father so well, I don't think you need the beginning clause in the second sentence. Instead, why don't you use that space for going into more detail about what he encounters in Chicago? What are the obstacles standing in the way of him becoming Gatsby--by this I'm assuming you mean a bootlegger? Maybe you could talk about another character he meets? What's at stake? Hope this helps!
ReplyDeleteI know and love this book, but David's goal is saving his daughter. All you have here is his back story.
ReplyDeleteBTW, good luck. :)
So...David wants to be a black Gatsby (I get that) against his brutal father's wishes ( I get that...but what does "whip someone's chest apart mean?") So David flees to Chicago (I get that)...and then everything ends. Basic logline rules need to be observed here. Who is the main character? What does the character want? (goal--what does it mean to be a black Gatsby) What is preventing the character from getting what he wants? (bigger than his abusive pops, dont you think?) Set up the perameters, and you'll be in motion! LUCK!
ReplyDelete