Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logline Critique Round Three #22

TITLE: The Sapphire Legacy
GENRE: Historical Romance

To escape her post as governess, former heiress Mae Blackthorne must trust Ethan Locke, a pirate who claims her long-lost family vault contains a sapphire that can give eternal life. But the true owners of the gem are far more dangerous than Mae and Locke feared, and soon Mae could lose much more than her second chance at luxury.


  1. This is great! I really like the premise. A few suggestions:
    - drop the 'To escape,' clause. Start on former heiress
    - true owners or people now guarding the gem? I'm a little confused. Why would Mae trust Ethan?
    - second chance at luxury is a great phrase!
    Like I said, a great start. Good luck!

  2. I like this.
    --As is, to me it reads the main stake for Mae is to restore her life of luxury. That seems odd if she also knows she has a chance for eternal life.
    --Also I wonder the pirate needs Mae's help?
    --Is there a way to include the time period?

  3. I think this is really strong with an engaging premise. The main thing I would like to see is a stronger connection to the true owners of the gem. Was it stolen from them? Are they looking for it? How are they a direct threat to Mae and Ethan?

  4. A couple of phrases are throwing me off from what I believecould be an intriguing story. "Former heiress" seems wrong. Once an heiress always an heiress. Also, "long lost vault" feels strange. Maybe "forgotten" vault. Lastly, without knowing the period and with the magical element of the sapphire, I'm not sure this is historical rather than paranormal or something else.

  5. The order of this is wrong. You must first tell us her NEED (to have a luxurious life again…and by the way, this is pretty selfish so you might want to work on that). Then you can tell us how she meets this dodgy pirate who claims he can give her this luxury back if she only helps him get the sapphire. After that, we need specific obstacles (all antagonists are dangerous…give us something real here). Finally, the eternal life thing doesn’t seem connected to any of this. How is a sapphire that gives eternal life going to help her get rich again?

    Good luck!

  6. How did Mae go from being an heiress to a governess? Is she seeking eternal life or a luxurious one? A story with pirates, long lost gems with mystical powers, and life threatening pursuits sounds like a fantastic read. You're getting close to selling it, but if you can clear up her goal it will be that much more powerful.