TITLE: Sea Star
GENRE: MG Fiction
A man disappears in his private plane off the coast of North Carolina and his headstrong twelve-year-old daughter refuses to accept his death. It takes an unexpected bond of friendship with an old sea captain, her belief in mermaids, and a haunting experience while lost overboard at sea for her to come to terms with her loss.
this is interesting but I think the logline has too much resolution and not enough what's going to happen to this MC. I also feel a bit disconnected from the MC in the logline especially since I don't know her name.
ReplyDeleteCan you put more focus on the MC. Maybe something more like:
When twelve-year-old NAME loses her father in a private plane crash she refuses to accept his death. then give a strong sentence about the stakes of accepting vs not accepting what happened.
I would like to know the MC's name as well. Start the logline with her name, i.e. "Twelve year old Maddie refuses to accept her dad died in a plane crash off the coast."
ReplyDeleteNow the action starts with your MC and we feel more connected. I would like to know what is at stake if she doesn't come to terms with her loss, which I assume is the goal, but maybe it's not.
I love the details of the old sea captain, the belief in mermaids and the haunting experience, so find a way to keep it in there. Good luck.
I agree that you need to re-focus this on the main character. Also, accepting a death/coming to terms with a loss is not a tangible goal. What actually has to happen in order for us to believe she has moved on? Focus on that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Intriguing premise, and I think Jennifer and Jamie are right on with their comments. And there's a tension that might be worth exploring in the setup - Maddie love dad, good dads don't leave, but what the heck was he doing in a (private?) plane off the coast that's on a route to absolutely nowhere? If Hatteras or the Outer Banks play into this, mention them, since they carry mysteries in the resonance of their names.
ReplyDeleteI love the sea captain and mermaid elements here. I agree with starting with the twelve year-old and naming her. As far as goal and consequence, it could be if she doesn't find her dad, she'll be placed in an orphanage. Something to raise the stakes will make it more intriguing.
ReplyDeleteWrite On!
This logline was great.
ReplyDeleteI think I was a little thrown by the last sentence though, because I honestly thought she was going to find him. What tripped me was "her belief in mermaids" because how does that help her to come to terms with her loss? It's a positive, sweet thing, and that's why I thought she was going to find him.
Just something to think about, although I reckon you'd still get bites with what you have.
Good luck!