To pay for college, an aspiring singer sells her voice to a tone-deaf Hollywood actress. The arrangement becomes more than she bargained for when the actress becomes the next teen pop princess.
I love the name of your series. The question here is clear and unique. I'd like to see it end with a question that hints at the main pursuit of the book. Something like, "Will she give up her dreams or find a way to sing for her her own success?" I need to know how she's threatened. I like the modern day take on Singing in the Rain.
I agree that this is clear and interesting, but I also would like to know a little more about what the conflict is. It's good, but needs a little more hook.
I love this idea. It's a modern take on the very true Milli Vanilli fiasco (which some may be too young to remember.) But I'm with the other commenters. "More than she bargained for," is very vague. What is the more?
Great premise, but I feel this leaves some important questions unanswered. Sells her voice makes it sound magical. Is it? If not, can you word it in a way that makes this clear? Also, what are the stakes? More than she bargained for is too vague for me.
I love this modern version of singing in the rain! You have the character and her need, and the inciting incident. There isn't a whole lot about the stakes here - I agree it's a little vague. Also, what is the goal - besides paying for college? What is her goal to get cred for her voice and be in the spotlight? What are the obstacles? If you can write that out I think you'll have a very enticing logline/hook. Nice job!
Cool premise and great title, but the stakes are only hinted at. Given that you have 40-70 words, I think we need to know more.
As a musician myself, I doubt that someone who is truly tone deaf can play a musician, though the idea that this person is an actress is intriguing. The Milli Vanilli guys, Pilatus and Morvan, could actually sing. They just didn't have the edgy, distinct sound that the studio singers gave the record. So if the actress his pitch problems plus a thin, character-less voice, you've got a realistic situation. Autotune can fix pitch problems, but what it cannot fix is lack of character - which is what your MC really provides. And "lack of character" has a good double meaning.
This would be stronger if you started with her need. Why does she need to go to college? Why can't she pay for it? Does she have a dream of becoming something? Once you've established this, it will be more obvious what she has to lose if she has to follow this pop princess around for the next five years.
Sounds like a fun concept and it's well-written. I would suggest adding more detail to specify what she sees as her problem and how she plans to solve it. Good luck!
Premise sounds like a good hollywood, "rise to fame with a catch," story. Watch out for "more than she bargained for"...cliche. Can you craft that with a little more precision?
I really like this premise and think it has a lot of potential for some great tension and conflict. Your log line is good (It made me want to read your book) but for the purposes of making things better I might dive deeper into the struggles that made her make this difficult decision.
I love the name of your series. The question here is clear and unique. I'd like to see it end with a question that hints at the main pursuit of the book. Something like, "Will she give up her dreams or find a way to sing for her her own success?" I need to know how she's threatened. I like the modern day take on Singing in the Rain.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this is clear and interesting, but I also would like to know a little more about what the conflict is. It's good, but needs a little more hook.
ReplyDeleteI love this idea. It's a modern take on the very true Milli Vanilli fiasco (which some may be too young to remember.) But I'm with the other commenters. "More than she bargained for," is very vague. What is the more?
ReplyDeleteI like this. You did a nice job. Agree that adding more specificity to "what she bargained for" will only strengthen appeal, but overall, well done.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise, but I feel this leaves some important questions unanswered. Sells her voice makes it sound magical. Is it? If not, can you word it in a way that makes this clear? Also, what are the stakes? More than she bargained for is too vague for me.
ReplyDeleteI love this modern version of singing in the rain! You have the character and her need, and the inciting incident. There isn't a whole lot about the stakes here - I agree it's a little vague. Also, what is the goal - besides paying for college? What is her goal to get cred for her voice and be in the spotlight? What are the obstacles? If you can write that out I think you'll have a very enticing logline/hook. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteCool premise and great title, but the stakes are only hinted at. Given that you have 40-70 words, I think we need to know more.
ReplyDeleteAs a musician myself, I doubt that someone who is truly tone deaf can play a musician, though the idea that this person is an actress is intriguing. The Milli Vanilli guys, Pilatus and Morvan, could actually sing. They just didn't have the edgy, distinct sound that the studio singers gave the record. So if the actress his pitch problems plus a thin, character-less voice, you've got a realistic situation. Autotune can fix pitch problems, but what it cannot fix is lack of character - which is what your MC really provides. And "lack of character" has a good double meaning.
Fun idea and I thought of Singing in the Rain too.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
I'm not sure what's at stake here. The actress made the most of her new voice. How does that that harm the protagonist?
ReplyDeleteThis would be stronger if you started with her need. Why does she need to go to college? Why can't she pay for it? Does she have a dream of becoming something? Once you've established this, it will be more obvious what she has to lose if she has to follow this pop princess around for the next five years.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Sounds like a fun concept and it's well-written. I would suggest adding more detail to specify what she sees as her problem and how she plans to solve it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Premise sounds like a good hollywood, "rise to fame with a catch," story. Watch out for "more than she bargained for"...cliche. Can you craft that with a little more precision?
ReplyDeleteI really like this premise and think it has a lot of potential for some great tension and conflict. Your log line is good (It made me want to read your book) but for the purposes of making things better I might dive deeper into the struggles that made her make this difficult decision.
ReplyDeleteGreat job and good luck!!
Really close - and love the concept. I just want to see more hint of how awful things become!
ReplyDelete