TITLE: Prime Vector
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Prime Vector is a young adult science fiction novel, set in futuristic Mars. Catita, a sixteen-year old immortal, finds her way onto the Queen’s black list – her former peers are hunting her. When the life she once loved is gone, she’s left with two uncertain choices – escape Mars to save herself or stay and fight back.
The first line, I think, is unnecessary. Secondly, I'm not sure I'm getting a clear sense of the stakes here. Why is she on the blacklist? And calling her immortal makes it seem like she can't die so... Also, what does she gain by staying? I think this is a good start, but there's no sense of urgency here for me.
ReplyDeleteI like this premise and you've got good stakes but I think you could make this a bit more active and include a tad more detail. I agree with chelly that the first line is not needed.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest, maybe consider something like
Sixteen-year old immortal Catita's former peers are hunting her for X (whatever she did)
or
When sixteen-year old immortal Catita does X, her former peers hunt her.
Then tighten the last line a bit to something like With her former life gone her only choices are escape Mars with her life or stay behind and fight for Y (whatever she is fighting for)
would something like this work?
ReplyDeleteCatita, a sixteen-year-old immortal, wants to join a special operations force of highly trained commandos, entrusted to keep the peace and protect the Queen. When Catita uncovers the secret behind her immortality, she will become everyone’s target. With the life she once loved gone, she’s left with two uncertain choices – escape Mars to save herself or stay and pay the price of her immortality.
I agree that the first line needs to go. This would be okay for a query, but it's not necessary here (the title and genre already appear at the top).
ReplyDeleteAside from that, we need to know why she ends up on the black list (this is what incites your story and gives us a clue as to her obstacles as well). We also need some stakes. As written, I can't see any reason why she can't leave Mars and live happily ever after on Saturn instead. If you had used something more specific than "the life she once loved is gone" than we'd probably have a better idea of what she has to lose here.
Good luck!
Holly
What did she do to get on the black list? What parts of life in futuristic Mars can you capture in this logline to draw me into the story and convince me that staying to fight is her best option? I want to know Catita more so that her battle becomes one I want her to win.
ReplyDeleteYou got everything you need here. All you have to do is tighten.
ReplyDeleteOn futuristic Mars, Catita, a sixteen-year old immortal, finds her way onto the Queen’s black list. When her former peers begin hunting her, she’s left with two choices: escape Mars to save herself or stay and fight back.
Love it!
Thank you everyone for all the feedback. This is all good stuff. This is what it looks like now. Am I getting close? Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteWhen Catita, a sixteen-year-old trained commando, uncovers the truth behind her immortality, she finds herself the target of a duplicitous military commander. With the help of an infuriating and sometimes charming renegade from Earth, Catita must choose between doing what she knows is right and doing what she was trained to do – keep the peace and protect the Queen, no matter the cost.
Your revision looks much better!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!