TITLE: Little Do You Know
GENRE: YA Thriller
When her boyfriend fell to his death two years ago, Ellie thought she’d never be happy again, until she found comfort in his best friend, Travis. Now she’s back on Santa Cruz Island, for her school’s annual science trip, determined not to let guilt prevent her from pursuing a relationship with Travis, but when Ellie stumbles upon an underground lab and finds her boyfriend alive everything changes.
Seems you have two plot points here. Focus on the main plot, I'm assuming that's the dead boyfriend that's not really dead.
ReplyDeleteis the ex BF evil? what's at stake here?
I'm with Diana. The way it's written, it sounds like the major plot point is Ellie choosing between Travis and the not-dead boyfriend. I'm less interested in the love triangle and more interested in why the boyfriend faked his death, and what is going on in this secret lab. "Everything changes," is too vague. What changes?
ReplyDeleteI think it would be more enticing if you leave Travis out completely.
Two years after her boyfriend supposedly fell to his death, Ellie discovers him hiding out in a secret underground lab...(what he is doing down there)...and (why is this a thriller?)
Good luck!
When I read the dead boyfriend was still alive my reaction was, "Oooo. This just got interesting." I agree with the above comments. Focus on that element of the story.
ReplyDeleteWhat must Ellie do now that she's found him alive?
Good luck to you!
I agree with everything that's been said, actually, and I should add this is one heck of a story! I would definitely read it, and I'm not YA. I do like the love triangle, but as others have said, it pales in comparison to the dead boyfriend being alive. It does suggest that maybe Travis might have something to do with the evil lab, in which case, perhaps there should be a stronger reference to that in the final line. Hope it works out. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThe first line would be fine if you stopped after “again”. As is, it sounds like finding comfort with Travis is something that happened before this books starts which doesn’t make sense if her goal is to pursue a relationship with him.
ReplyDeleteAside from that, “everything changes” is vague and tells us nothing about the conflict here. You’ve already got her in a pickle when she finds her old boyfriend alive. What we need after that is to know why his being alive is going to prevent her from being from Travis. People break up all of the time. Give us a reason why she can’t be with Travis if her boyfriend is alive.
Good luck!
Holly
I agree with the feedback you've received to shift the focus away from the love triangle, because it was jarring when I got to the secret lab, etc. I LOVE that kind of thing, but after feeling like I was reading a logline for a Sarah Dessen-type romantic YA, I felt off-balance when it took such a sudden turn.
ReplyDeleteHere's a stab at it: "When her boyfriend fell to his death two years ago, Ellie thought she’d never be happy again. Now she’s back on Santa Cruz Island [maybe "where he died" instead of place name?] for her school’s annual science trip, determined not to let guilt prevent her from moving on. But when Ellie stumbles upon an underground lab and finds her boyfriend alive [...some really thriller-y stakes here :) ]"
I think for the stakes I'd like to know why it isn't just "Yay, my boyfriend's not dead!" Is there something wrong with him? Is he involved in something sinister that will keep them apart?
I like this story a lot, but I think the log line could be tightened.
ReplyDeleteWhen her boyfriend fell to his death two years ago, Ellie thought she’d never be happy again. But just when a relationship with her best friend Travis seems feasible, Ellie stumbles upon an underground lab and finds her boyfriend alive.
Just an idea. Although, I wonder if you could go into more detail about the underground lab. I'm assuming her boyfriend is probably much changed too, but I think what you got there is a great hook on its own. Hope this helps!