Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logline Critique Round Three #18

TITLE: The Mineral Kingdom
GENRE: YA - Low Fantasy

Six teenagers wake up in a world that's not their own. To get home they must survive harsh desert conditions, face violent sand beasts, and - perhaps the most difficult of all - put aside their prejudices so they can work together. But they need to do it quickly, because something about this place is changing them, and it's not necessarily for the better.


  1. Ooh, this sounds fun, but are we getting this from 6 POVs? If there's one POV character, then I'd want that char named. "Put aside their prejudices" makes it sound like this might tip into a preachy area. Is there a way to show their differences without making this seem like the focus of the story? I think this might also be a little long and could maybe be condensed a bit. How is the place changing them? The character's internal arcs are obviously important to the plot, but I think the stakes should probably be the focus of the hook.

  2. I like something about the mystery here but want a more grabbing first sentence. Perhaps something about how they got knocked out or entered a portal or whatever brought them there. When I hear sand beasts, I'm thinking of Star Wars all of a sudden too. You might want to name your own creatures. I like the tension.

  3. This feels a little generic to me. I don't get a sense of what is actually at stake for them - they want to get home, sure, but specifically, what will happen if they don't? They're changing how? The phrasing "not necessarily for the better" doesn't really strike a sense of urgency.

    If you CAN pinpoint the story from one character's perspective, I might try that. Loglines are really hard for this story, I imagine, having so many POVs. There isn't enough room for you to give us a real sense of each character. So maybe try focusing on one so that you can get into specifics?

  4. It sounds intriguing but needs focus and specifics. i.e. "Hugh and Jan wake up in a world that's not their own with four other teenagers." The harsh conditions lose me. How they're changing is powerful-need to know what it is. Are they changing into minerals? what will happen if they don't reach the portal that will take them home? Maybe each teenager holds a piece of the puzzle to get back.Endless powerful possibilities here! Write On!

  5. "in a world that's not their own" is too vague. Are they in outer space or a remote part of Arizona here? And can you be more specific about these prejudices? If these are obstacles, we need to know why they are a big problem. Finally, the last line is a little vague as well. Do you mean they are changing into different people emotionally (like Lord of the Flies) or do you mean that they are growing extra ears in the middle of their faces? We can't give a weight to stakes that are not specific.

    Good luck!