TITLE: HONOR'S BOND
GENRE: Science Fiction
After giving up a promising career to keep a pledge to a dead friend, ex-Star Service pilot Rand MacGregor has a chance to rejoin the Service. To achieve that dream, he must use his extraordinary mental powers to capture a shape-shifter who is willing to risk intra-galactic war by killing thousands to destroy one adversary.
Okay, so is Rand breaking his pledge to rejoin the service? If not, I might say "NOW dead friend..." so that it's clear his pledge has been fulfilled, or something. I'm also confused by the phrase "extraordinary mental powers". Would it make more sense to simply say he must use his wits? Or does he have some sort of brain superpower? As is, the phrasing threw me off. This is supper niggling, but the last sentence would also be stronger if instead of "shapshifter who is willing to risk thousands" you were more direct and said "shapeshifter risking thousands".
ReplyDeleteI think the first line can be tightened a bit, something like, "A pledge to a dying friend end's Rand's ..." I also wondered if Rand had some super brain power, and if so maybe you should mention that up front. "Genius Rand's pledge..." then when we get to the shape shifter we already know he is the guy for the job. I feel like sentence one should be two sentences because is seems as if he gives up his career and gets it back in one fell swoop. Hope this helps a bit! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI might remove the pledge to a dying friend and the character's name, starting instead with something like: "An ex-Star Service pilot rejoins ..." And then go on with the conflict. It'd streamline the set-up.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to understand the first line with this vague pledge. Has he given up the pledge or has it been fulfilled? I think it needs to be clear that he always wanted to be in the Service, but had to give up temporarily and now has the chance to capture his dream.
ReplyDeleteAfter that, you need to connect the obstacles with the goal. How is capturing a shape-shifter going to help him rejoin the Service? It sounds like he has to BE IN the Service to do this in the first place (in which case, his goal is already met). Finally, the shape-shifter's actions also have to act as obstacles to his goal. Is he the one adversary? If so, this needs to be clear.
Good luck!
Holly
I'm a little confused by your last line...it seems to me it captures your shape-shifter's goal to destroy Rand despite the possibility of thousands of casualties --and dilutes Rand's goal to achieve his dream. I think rewriting it would be helpful.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like this one a lot, but I would suggest connecting the risk (kill thousands) to something more personal about your main character. Otherwise, feels pretty good to me!
ReplyDeleteI'd love to read this!
ReplyDeleteYou have lots of good feedback here - I especially like Jared X's suggestion about streamlining the opening. Good luck!