TITLE: The Faithful Son
GENRE: Fantasy/Myth retelling
When the pansexual prince Gilgamesh, once known for his beauty and wit, returns from the underworld, he’s haunted by shadows and by powers he cannot control. If he can’t overcome his personal demons and regain the trust of his former allies, he will lose the people he loves, the city he was born to rule, and even his soul.
Suggestion is to add more specificity."Once known for his beauty and wit," has he lost these things? How? The language is too general. Tell us what exactly is at stake for him. What is pansexual?
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if you can be any more specific about the "powers he cannot control" and if you can hint about the origin of his personal demons. But the stakes sound high, and I like the movement and rhythm of your text. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThe stakes are solid, love it. Need more around the MC. What made him return from the underworld?
ReplyDeletethe pansexual term makes this sound like you're chasing a trend (btw, I have seen agents asking for this type of character). I would just stay away from labels. Show us how he's pansexual.
While I can guess at what pansexual means, as worded, I don't see how it relates to the stakes so I think you can leave it out here. Also, don't think you need "once known for his beauty and wit" either. Does he lose them? I think you should focus on adding details to the hook and the stakes here. Is he haunted by shadows literally and what powers can't he control? What are his personal demons, what does he want, and how are his personal demons stopping him from getting what he wants?
ReplyDeleteIs his inciting incident when he returns home? Your obstacles and stakes are clear but they seem to go hand in hand with your goal. I would just tighten this up some and I agree, you may not need the bit about pansexual but, could you show what that means? Nice start though.
ReplyDeleteI've never read the Epic of Gilgamesh, but this is intriguing. I got a good grasp of what he wants and what's at stake. Though I do have one little issue; this sounds like a sequel to something rather than the first or a stand-alone. Maybe it is, or maybe it's a follow up to the Epic. Or it might just be me.
ReplyDeleteThis is close, but you need the inciting incident to incite a goal, not an obstacle. Also, that goal needs to be more tangible. How does the reader know when he has overcome his demons and regained this trust? It sounds like the end goal here is for him to rule his city again (but I am just guessing!)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I'd physically print your current logline and then look for the words that are not as specific as they could be. Those will be sections that sound "smooth", but aren't capable of transferring your vision to your reader's mind.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Good comments, friends. Thank you for all your help.
ReplyDeleteI love it! I would totally read this. I agree that you could be a little more specific about his powers, etc. I know some people had issue with the "pansexual," but for people who fall in the LGBTQ+ category, that word gets us excited to read someone like ourselves :)
ReplyDelete