Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #8

TITLE: The Third Gift
GENRE: middle grade fantasy

In THE THIRD GIFT two young sisters must hunt for treasure and solve three riddles to rescue their marooned parents and reclaim their home from the grasp of an ancient witch. But beating a witch at her own game is hard to do. Luckily, the girls find two unlikely allies: statues that are full of heart and islands with minds of their own.


  1. This has most of the required elements but the order needs tweaking. Tell us first what the problem is (NEED) and then connect the GOAL with solving that. After that, focus on why it will be hard to solve the riddles and find the treasure. I would caution against using "luckily" since luck should never play a part in your characters meeting their goal.

    Note that you do not need to put your title in your logline as it will appear above.

    Good luck!

  2. This looks like a great story! However, you needn't mention your title in your logline (as we can already see it) and I do agree with Holly, the order needs a bit of tweaking.
    1. Somebody
    2. Wanted
    3. So
    4. But
    5. Now

    Happy writing!


  3. I'm not a math person and I found myself tripping a bit over the numerous numbers in your log line: third gift; two sisters; three riddles; two allies. Could you change "two allies" to a pair or some such? This is a tiny thing, I know, but tiny matters in such short bits of copy. More than two numbers in a row and my eyes glaze over.

  4. I like that this plainly states the stakes and the conflict. I think you could leave off the last sentence entirely. And I agree about reordering things a bit. I'd like a hint at the girls' personalities as well.

    Sounds exciting!

  5. I would be inclined to just go with your first sentence. You've got stakes and conflict. The second and third sentence are not necessary in the log line, since they just impart information about the characters and setting. The only possible thing I might suggest to add to the first sentence is why they have to do it, if it's not redundant. (That is, their parents are missing--why else are they going to do but go looking for them??)

  6. I'd leave out the title. And instead of specifying "three riddles" I'd just say "riddles".

  7. Thanks to everyone for your comments! In this strange business of working alone, fingers tappying on keyboards, it is how we get better! The tweaks are easily done.

    Samantha is right! I thought about just going with the first sentence but - with the generous word count, and still staying well under 75 - couldn't resist the opportunity to add a bit more.