I like this. It's simple and to the point. I glossed over the part about investigating missing memories the first time I read it though. I'd break this up into two or three sentences. The first details her missing memories, second about the international kidnapping, and the third and final about her sister being the next target. That might leave it with a bit more intrigue.
This would be stronger if you explained the missing memories. Are they her memories? Why does she need to investigate them? How are they connected to the kidnapping conspiracy and her sister? This conflict needs to directly stand in the way of her goal so the connection must be clear.
Great hook. But i need some more information. Was she kidnaped as well? I am not sure how her missing memories and a kidnaping ring are connected. Very intriguing. Good job.
I agree with the above commenter about connecting the kidnapping. Does she discover that she's missing memories because she was also kidnapped, or did she already know that she was kidnapped? (If that makes sense.)
Also, I would strike the word "investigating." I don't think you lost any meaning without it. It's kind of implied. But it also depends on which way you go with clarifying.
I'm also wondering if you can make the "missing memories" part a little clearer. First I imagined missing photographs, then thought her memories were missing which seems unusual. If this is the case maybe highlight the fact that this is unusual. Other than that very clear. Good luck!
It also may be more engaging to name the character and give an age. "A girl" doesn't pull me in, but something like "17-year-old journalism student Ava" paints more of a picture.
I agree with connecting whether the character was kidnapped or whatever happened to cause the memory lapse. I love the Spain angle, and am wondering why her sister is the next target; is she also an exchange student, or is their family s high-profile target?
I love this title. I’m not sure what you mean by “investigate missing memories” because I’m not sure who is missing them and how one would go about investigating them. Good luck!
I like this. It's simple and to the point. I glossed over the part about investigating missing memories the first time I read it though. I'd break this up into two or three sentences. The first details her missing memories, second about the international kidnapping, and the third and final about her sister being the next target. That might leave it with a bit more intrigue.
ReplyDeleteThis would be stronger if you explained the missing memories. Are they her memories? Why does she need to investigate them? How are they connected to the kidnapping conspiracy and her sister? This conflict needs to directly stand in the way of her goal so the connection must be clear.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Great hook. But i need some more information. Was she kidnaped as well? I am not sure how her missing memories and a kidnaping ring are connected. Very intriguing. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above commenter about connecting the kidnapping. Does she discover that she's missing memories because she was also kidnapped, or did she already know that she was kidnapped? (If that makes sense.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I would strike the word "investigating." I don't think you lost any meaning without it. It's kind of implied. But it also depends on which way you go with clarifying.
I'm also wondering if you can make the "missing memories" part a little clearer. First I imagined missing photographs, then thought her memories were missing which seems unusual. If this is the case maybe highlight the fact that this is unusual. Other than that very clear. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt also may be more engaging to name the character and give an age. "A girl" doesn't pull me in, but something like "17-year-old journalism student Ava" paints more of a picture.
ReplyDeleteI agree with connecting whether the character was kidnapped or whatever happened to cause the memory lapse. I love the Spain angle, and am wondering why her sister is the next target; is she also an exchange student, or is their family s high-profile target?
I love this title. I’m not sure what you mean by “investigate missing memories” because I’m not sure who is missing them and how one would go about investigating them. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteRyna (#29)
This is great. I might like to see more mystery...maybe her missing memories are somehow connected to her sister and the kidnapping plot?
ReplyDelete