This does not appear to have any of the required elements of a logline. Is there a main character here or are there five? If there are five, do they have a common goal during the story? The stress can certainly add a complication to a goal but it's not a goal in itself.
For me, this is coming across kind of bland. I'm sure a story about superhero teen girls is much more exciting, so let's show that. For starters, get rid of the, "Like a female Avengers." The Avengers are so incredible, why would we want to replace them? Next, let's start with your characters, Five sixteen-year-old girls. And what else are they battling besides stress? Is there a super-villain they are gearing up to fight? If so, we want to hear about that. What makes your superhero story unique to every other superhero story?
What you've set up sounds very intriguing. I love superheroes! But I wonder if you look up some of the aspects that must be included in a longline, if that would help you better write the sentence or two that captures the heart of your story, the character, the choice and the stakes.
I like the idea suggested by the overall premise, but I think the logline relies too heavily on elements other than the story itself.
Comparing your book to another well-known property can be a helpful shorthand in a pitch, but in this context I think it does a disservice to your story (not to mention that the Avengers have at least one female member on the team, so it also comes across as a somewhat inaccurate comparison).
We're also missing some key elements (or else the ones given are too vague): What are the stakes? What stress exactly are they coping with? Are they only becoming superheroes, or a superhero team? Those sorts of things.
Everyone's said what I would so far. I think the premise has a ton of potential, so it's all about conveying that in the best way. When you nix the Avengers part, you can start with the group and then state what they are up against and what they must overcome or else (the stakes).
To get involved with this story I'd like to have an idea of what superpowers these 5 girls have, and how those powers or abilities hinder/enhance how they work together. And I'd like to know what the challenge is - and what the stakes are. Do they save the world, a city, the solar system, etc.
This was one of my favorite loglines. Short, sweet, witty, and to the point. I think its pretty obvious why teen girls would be stressed becoming superheroes, but you could flesh that out just a bit more if you want. Great job!
This does not appear to have any of the required elements of a logline. Is there a main character here or are there five? If there are five, do they have a common goal during the story? The stress can certainly add a complication to a goal but it's not a goal in itself.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I'm actually intrigued regardless that no stakes are mentioned here. x
ReplyDeleteFor me, this is coming across kind of bland. I'm sure a story about superhero teen girls is much more exciting, so let's show that. For starters, get rid of the, "Like a female Avengers." The Avengers are so incredible, why would we want to replace them? Next, let's start with your characters, Five sixteen-year-old girls. And what else are they battling besides stress? Is there a super-villain they are gearing up to fight? If so, we want to hear about that. What makes your superhero story unique to every other superhero story?
ReplyDeleteWhat you've set up sounds very intriguing. I love superheroes! But I wonder if you look up some of the aspects that must be included in a longline, if that would help you better write the sentence or two that captures the heart of your story, the character, the choice and the stakes.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea suggested by the overall premise, but I think the logline relies too heavily on elements other than the story itself.
ReplyDeleteComparing your book to another well-known property can be a helpful shorthand in a pitch, but in this context I think it does a disservice to your story (not to mention that the Avengers have at least one female member on the team, so it also comes across as a somewhat inaccurate comparison).
We're also missing some key elements (or else the ones given are too vague): What are the stakes? What stress exactly are they coping with? Are they only becoming superheroes, or a superhero team? Those sorts of things.
Best of luck!
Everyone's said what I would so far. I think the premise has a ton of potential, so it's all about conveying that in the best way. When you nix the Avengers part, you can start with the group and then state what they are up against and what they must overcome or else (the stakes).
ReplyDeleteTo get involved with this story I'd like to have an idea of what superpowers these 5 girls have, and how those powers or abilities hinder/enhance how they work together.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'd like to know what the challenge is - and what the stakes are. Do they save the world, a city, the solar system, etc.
I, too, love the premise of teen girl superheroes! Like everyone else said, tell us who/what they're fighting and why, and this will sound great!
ReplyDeleteI'd get rid of the Avengers part, it sounds too much like a copy. Otherwise I like the premise!
ReplyDeleteThis was one of my favorite loglines. Short, sweet, witty, and to the point. I think its pretty obvious why teen girls would be stressed becoming superheroes, but you could flesh that out just a bit more if you want. Great job!
ReplyDelete