Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logline Critique Round Three #27

TITLE: First Tuesday
GENRE: Thriller

When out-of-work lawyer John Garner reaches for a piece of scratch paper, he unwittingly picks up proof of a nation under siege. He’s one ordinary man, with just four days to crack the code, four days to uncover the scheme, four days to expose the unraveling of our future. And for those four days, his hardest task will be to stay alive.


  1. The stakes are certainly high enough. I feel like this needs a little more context with the set up. I'm distracted wondering where John is when he reaches for the scratch paper and how it shows the nation is under siege.

  2. I'd like a little more specificity about the scrap paper, too. I also think I wouldn't keep repeating "four days." Once feels like enough to me. But the story sounds exciting, and the writing is strong. Good work!

  3. I agree with above, the tension is high and the story sounds exciting, but I'm stuck on the first sentence wondering how that one piece of world changing paper came to be under John's fingertips. Also, the four days repetition is too much. The tension is more potent without creating drag. You're almost there, I can tell!

  4. I agree with what's been said. My initial reaction is that there is a big leap between the first and the second line. We go from "proof of a nation under siege" to cracking codes and uncovering schemes. The first line feels a bit mild for what follows, and it's hard to imagine that such a shattering piece of proof would be just lying around in this person's office. I do like the emphasis on four days (though maybe not so often said) because it puts up that ticking clock. Maybe more of John than ordinary and out of work, and shorten the "scrap of paper" into something more pithy so you have room to give us something more on John. I agree, it's thrilling, promises lots of action, and has an interesting premise. I hope it lands you a deal. Good luck.

  5. Good time frame, keeps the tension high!

    Good Luck!

  6. I was a little thrown off by the proof of a nation under siege. Are you saying this his entire country is under siege but no one has noticed? Or are you saying that he somehow uncovers some plan to take over his nation in four days? Either way, you need to tell us why HE AND ONLY HE must save the whole nation here. Lofty goals like saving the world only work when readers truly believe that the hero is the ONLY chance (and readers do not believe that just because you say it!)

    Good luck!

  7. The writing is excellent for a thriller which is SO HARD to convey in a pitch - most pitches sound so different than the genre they're for. So this is excellent! It feels like amazing writing that's covering up a vague pitch.

    "picks up proof of a nation under siege"
    What proof? Under siege by whom? Where does he find the paper? I don't think it's necessary to tell us who's after him, but it might be. You decide on that. But add more details and you'll have it. This is great.