TITLE: Mind Witch
GENRE: YA Fantasy
A mind witch must brainwash a king and the boy she wants so her tyrant father can seize the kingdom unopposed. She doesn't want to do it, but she's not keen on saying no. Not when the one time she did, her father burned her half to death.
This tells me what your protagonist doesn't want, but not what she does. It sounds like an awful situation, but not like a story. What is her goal? What will happen if she doesn't achieve it?
ReplyDeleteHi, Cristin, and thank you so much! I changed the pitch a bit according to your crit:
ReplyDelete"A mind witch must brainwash a kingdom so her tyrant father can seize it unopposed. She doesn't want to do it, especially when, while undercover, she falls in love with the Prince. But she's not keen on saying no to her father either. Not when the one time she did, she was burned half to death."
I'm intrigued by the story. But I'm not sure where it is going. We need a firmer goal. We know that she is falling in love with the prince but nothing else. We need her to have a life goal, and a consequence if she doesn't get that goal. Also i don't think you need the last line. That is more like backstory. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Stephanie! I'm afraid it's getting bit long, but it's still under 70 words so...
ReplyDeleteA mind witch must brainwash a kingdom so her tyrant father can seize it unopposed. But while undercover, Zéphyrine falls in love with the prince and befriends a girl who is as powerful as she is mad. In them she finds the courage to work against her father. Her plan cannot fail—or he will burn her to death."
I like the idea of a story from the viewpoint of the tyrant's child! I think you have all the parts, but could rework a bit for clarity. Here's what I'm getting: her father wants her to help him take over (I presume) another kingdom; if she doesn't, she'll suffer more of his abuse. Will she also suffer if she DOES help her father? I believe she will hurt the boy she wants, but that part isn't clearly stated. Is he a prince? Why does he so critical that he needs to be brainwashed, too?
ReplyDeleteLoglines are crazy-makers! Good luck!
I'd caution against goals the character doesn't want to actually achieve as it's hard to root for something you don't want to happen. Try to focus on what she DOES want here (possibly escaping from her father?) and use this assignment from him as an obstacle to her getting it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Something about the language in this makes it lack tension for me. I'm not keen to do the dishes or go to a party. This feels like it calls for something stronger.
ReplyDeleteI do like the reveal of her father burning her though. However, it comes a little too late.
Hey there! Great concept, but I agree that the language us softening the tension and the stakes aren't 100% clear.
ReplyDeleteIt's the: "she doesn't want to, but isn't keen on" language that's not working as hard for you. It seems like your stakes have something to do with risking her life or saving the boy she loves. I'd find ways to more explicitly say that. It will build tension and make your story sound like the exciting read that I imagine it is. :) Good luck!