Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logline Critique Round Three #10

TITLE: The Last Bitter Word
GENRE: NA Contemporary Romance

Mara, a Christian bookstore owner who has never been to church, funded her business with money that she found hidden under the floorboards the day her mother overdosed and died. Hoping to capitalize on the world's all-time bestseller and convinced that hiding behind the Bible will shield her from whoever is looking for the cash, Mara opens Word. Now, caught between two heroes, Mara must face her lies and the man hunting her down.


  1. This sounds interesting, but unfocused. You mention she's a bookstore owner, then hop back in time to BEFORE she's a bookstore owner and when she's opening Word? Which I assume is her store? Why does she think someone is looking for the cash, and why does she think hiding behind the bible will help?

    This sounds like an intriguing story, but the logline needs some focus.

  2. I agree that this needs to be tightened. Who are the two heroes mentioned? Why is someone looking for the cash? Was it not her house? I think rearranging these sentences so that you don't jump from present to past would really help you get this tightened. Sounds like a good read though, good luck!

  3. I see lots of interesting things here and I like the premise. I would like to know who the two heroes are. I assume one is the love interest since this is a romance. Who is the other? I agree that rearranging the sentences might help tighten it up, too. Good luck!

  4. As written, it sounds like the first three sentences are all backstory. Does her mother die before this story starts or is that what incites the story? Or is it finding the money? If it's the latter, we need some really good motivation here because she sounds like a self-centered criminal as this is written. Does she have some kind of noble motivation for opening this story and wanting to keep it open?

    Good luck!

  5. There's a lot in here I don't understand. Why is someone look for the cash? If it's so much cash, why does she need the bookstore? What's Word? Who are these heroes? And the genre says romance but I don't get a feel for who the romance might be with. My suggestion would just be to keep it simple with character, goal, obstacle, stakes.

    I also think this is a bit repetitive at times. Particularly the beginning of this sentence: Hoping to capitalize on the world's all-time bestseller and convinced that hiding behind the Bible...

    I think you could easily do without that entire clause since we already know she's using the Christian bookstore for profit in the first sentence.

    Maybe go into why she opens Word, what's standing in the way? What are the stakes? Introduce the hero (I'm sure he has something to do with the obstacle of achieving her goal).

    Hope this helps!