Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #3

TITLE: Death's Daughter; reluctant hero
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Dodging child protective services, Alex travels to another world in search of her missing father. To complicate matters she has discovered that she has powers of her own, one of fire and one of death… and they are incompatible. To survive in a world of vampires and sorcery she must use her powers - but one causes unbearable pain and the other is slowly turning her into a zombie.


  1. I love your last sentence and the conflict it ignites. I wonder how it would read if you only kept the phrase: "Alex travels to another world in search of her missing father" then add your last line?

  2. The elements here are in an odd order. You need to tell us what she wants (goal) and why she wants it before you present the obstacles (dodging CPS). Then you need to connect everything else with this goal. I can't see how having dual powers or surviving around vampires is helping or hindering her from meeting her goal.

    Good luck!

  3. So this is very intriguing. I think you have details that could be eliminated and still offer a very concise and captivating log line. I don't think we need to know exactly what her powers are, just that there is an issue with her using them.

  4. Wow, I love all the intriguing elements in here. Definitely my kind of premise.

    Having said that, this might be a case of too much of a good thing. She has powers of fire and death (which are somehow incompatible, and yet to my thinking they would go hand in hand), but I have no idea if these powers are connected to the vampires and zombies (and if they are, no idea as to how they would be). I also have no idea how her using these powers relates to searching for her father.

    Also not sure what her actual goal is (I presume it is finding her father). Thus I would suggests trimming it down to one or two nifty ideas and clarifying the goal and stakes involved.

    But still, vampires and zombies and fire and death powers. Too cool :)

    All the best!

  5. Lots of good information here. Maybe it would work to start with "When [age] Alex's father disappears [mysteriously?], Alex must .... and then go into the world and what she must do to win him back. What happens if she fails? Are they stuck in the alternate world? etc.

  6. I think Stephsco is on to how to best condense this into a streamlined logline.

    I would leave your novel title as "Death's Daughter." Reluctant heros are great to have, but no need to put it in the title.

    your last line could be this:
    "To survive in a world of vampires and sorcery long enough to save her father, she must use her strange powers - but one causes unbearable pain and the other is slowly turning her into a zombie."

    good luck!

  7. I think you have all the elements of a great logline. However, I agree that the order is odd. Also, you mention many elements, vampires, sorcery, child protective services, etc. Perhaps take some of these out and focus on the need and ensuing conflict.

    Good work!