Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #15

TITLE: The Change
GENRE: YA Fantasy

When an orphan girl's eyes change from the standard grey to a rare gold, she is transported to a world of wealth and ease. But when she discovers a dormant power that lets her control those around her, it thrusts her into a war where both sides plot to enslave her for her power.


  1. What world are you referring? Is this a mythical land, Los Angeles, Hong Kong? I need to know more about the conflict. Is her eye color change central to the overall plot or the device which gets the plot started? I would start this with more details on the powerful factions on the verge of war. Then put her in the middle of it, as the potential change agent for winning the battle.

    For instance: The kingdom of frick has waged a horrific war with the kingdom of frack for centuries. As the devastation increases and victory looks closer to a stalemate, the orphan girl with golden eyes might just shift the balance of power and change everything. But which side, if any, will she choose?

  2. Great suggestion from Alan. I also wondered what world they're in and who the two sides are in the war. Good conflict, though!

  3. SOunds really interesting! What makes her eyes change - can you get that down to a few words - or add mysteriously change.

    Transported - does this take place on earth to start? Just a few more words to ground us.

    She has a dormant power - how does she control those around her?

    A great start. Keep going!

  4. This needs a goal. Does this girl want to control the people around her? Or does she want something else that this power enables her to get? Whatever it is, we need to know.

    Good luck!

  5. Wow! This sounds really fascinating! I love the eyes changing color and I sort of feel like you give just enough detail to make me really want to know more! Which is good, no? I agree with needing to know what the goal is. Want to see here what actions she's taking to reach it.

  6. This sounds interesting. I'm intrigued. The eye change is a nice touch. Do the eyes connect with the dormant power. If so, maybe show the connection. This will help you keep everything together. I think your off to a great start though. The books sounds interesting.

  7. Sounds really interesting. I'd love to know what the war is about or who the two sides are and what the war means to her. Does she favor one side over the other? What does she want to do with her power?