Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #21

TITLE: Deadwood Gamble
GENRE: NA Romantic Adventure

Alice has no plans for spring break until Vance shows up an old book. Now her plans are: Find a lost treasure, stay alive, and keep Vance securely in the friend zone. Not necessarily in that order.


  1. I like the personality in this logline. However, I think you meant "shows HER and old book." You might also consider teasing the reading about the book's identity. One more thing: What are the stakes?

    I hope this helps.

  2. I love when couples have a past. I'm confused by old book. What old book? Also what happens if she doesn't complete her tasks? Good luck.

  3. I'm also confused by the book part and not clear on the plot yet. Reading it the way the first commenter posted doesn't really clarify anything for me. Maybe to hone in on this book, do we really need Vance? What's the main plot here? I know you've said your genre is romantic adventure, but if that's the case, your "adventure" plot is the main one. Maybe focus on that and don't muddy the log line with Vance.

  4. I'm assuming that there's a typo here and it was supposed to say, 'Vance shows up with an old book.' But I agree that we need more information about the book -- does the book reveal the location of the treasure? And where does the threat to Alice's life come from?

    Simply listing what the MC is contending with in this way doesn't give the reader the basic information: the goal, the thing that gets in the way of accomplishing that goal, and the consequences of failure. And I'm afraid I have to say that a phrase like 'Not necessarily in that order' just seems like a waste of words that could be used to convey something meaningful instead, as well as being something of a cliché.

    I know it can be frustrating to essentially start over from scratch, but I'd suggest trying the method of filling in the blanks in the basic formula to help you determine what really needs to be included.

  5. This is quite good, but you really need to focus on one goal and present the other items as obstacles to the goal. It sounds like the treasure is the goal (unless she needs the treasure FOR something, in which case, that would be the real goal). The other items are things she must avoid while trying to get the treasure. If so, make sure the change incites the goal (right now, I can't see how the old book and the treasure are related).

    Good luck!

  6. I'd elaborate more on what the book has to do with the treasure. Other than that, I really like this!

  7. The title is promising!

    Can you start with what Alice wants, or maybe how her plans are interrupted? Saying she has no plans is kind of lackluster for a pitch. Is there a reason she wants Vance in the friend zone, and does that connect with her initial goal? (like an all-girls trip that gets cancelled and now she's doing the opposite of what she wanted--something like that). Then, why does she agree to go on a treasure hunt? I think we need the why. Find the treasure in order to... and as a result, she and Vance become closer.

  8. This sounds fun. I love treasure hunt stories with a romantic twist. But I am not sure if that is what this is. Would love some description of Vance - is he ugly so she isn't attracted to him? Why would she like to keep him as just a friend?
    More important...the book. Some descriptive to make it sound mysterious would help I think.