TITLE: Root Beer Candy and Other Miracles
GENRE: MG contemporary (verse)
When her parents enroll in marriage camp, 11-year-old Bailey and her brother spend August on an island with a grandmother they barely know. With the help of a driftwood mermaid, mysterious ice-cream vendor, and new best friend, Bailey learns how everyday miracles can change lives.
This sounds like a lovely story, but other than hoping (I assume) her parents work things out, what does Bailey hope to accomplish that summer? You tell us what she learns, but what does she need to overcome?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This sounds like a fun MG story! Your logline could be tightened up a bit though. We don't need to know about the parents, just knowing that Baily is spending the summer on an island with her grandmother is enough for a log line. What we don't know is what she wants. What is her goal and what obstacles must she overcome to get it? The details about the mermaid, the ice cream vender and new best friend are awesome but what do they have to do with her goal or the conflict? If you can answer those, the logline will be great. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMermaids!Sounds like a fun story!
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
Sounds like a great MG story and I love the format of verse. The beginning reads fine to me, but can you be more specific about what odds she'll face? For example, mysterious ice-cream vendor sounds too vague. Also, in terms of stakes, does she need to protect her little brother? What role does she play via him? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds lovely. It's a wonderful short synopsis. But it doesn't feel like a log line to me. What is the main conflict? What are her goals and the obstacles that get in her way? What does she risk by going after what she wants?
ReplyDeleteI love the feeling of this. As everyone said, lovely is truly the best word to describe it, I feel, along with whimsy! However, what's the problem? That's the drive for every pitch, and I see no problem here other than a hint as to the familial problem. What's the conflict? What's at stake? What is she doing to overcome it? I think the last phrase could be reworked to answer this.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this sounds like a lovely story, and something I'd probably like to read. But as everyone else has said (and I'm sure Holly is also going to say!), what is Bailey's goal, and what gets in the way of attaining that goal?
ReplyDeleteI like it as-is, to be honest, but maybe you could add in something about her being grumpy to be there? (I assume she doesn't want to go, right?)
ReplyDeleteI'm charmed by the title, the concept, and my longing to be on that island. What I think is still missing, though, is the your MC's goal. Find it and I think you've got a winner.
ReplyDelete