Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #5

TITLE: Orchard Pastry
GENRE: MG Contemporary

Isa Vera is only twelve, but she’s offered a job—to steal the famous recipes from the bakery where her parents work and illegally live. If Isa doesn’t agree, her family will be in danger of being homeless, again.


  1. The order of this needs some tweaking. If the danger of being homeless exists before the story starts, then tell us that first and then gives us the offer of a fix (in the format of stolen recipes...and tell us who needs them by the way because it doesn't make sense how getting them will save the family). After that, give some of the obstacles to her goal. Can't she just walk in and take the recipes? Are they hidden? Guarded by a three-headed dog? Does she feel it is wrong to steal?

    Good luck!

  2. I think you have the components that you need for a good logline. I think amping up your suspense would be helpful because it sounds like this story will include some tough decisions for your MC.

  3. I'm really interested by this idea of a story about stealing recipes, but admit the logline leaves me with a few questions:

    1) Who would hire a twelve-year-old to steal recipes?
    2) Why would her family be in danger of being homeless again? They live at the famous bakery, so one might logically assume that NOT stealing the recipes would leave them in less danger (i.e., if Isa gets caught, wouldn't that carry a greater risk of getting them fired and kicked out?).
    3) What's Isa's personal stake in all of this? We know the danger to her family, but what about Isa herself?

    Best of luck!

  4. This sounds like a book I would love to read, rich on many levels. I care about Isa already and want her to succeed. What are Isa's personal reasons for fearing homelessness? Could we get a hint of that?

  5. This is a compelling premise, having the MC navigate the perilous waters of moral ambiguity--does serving a greater good justify stealing. The need and goal are here, but there's no internal/external conflict. Ideally there should be both: conflict with her own sense of morality, and conflict with someone who wants to stop her from achieving her goal.

  6. This has a really great conflict and makes me want to read the story. What would make it even more enticing for me would be if I knew a personality trait about Isa, not just that she's in danger of being homeless again.

    Sounds like a great story!

  7. I agree with Dana in that it has the components, but it lacks spark. A little clarification may be helpful also. Is she actually offered a job? This strikes me as more of a blackmail scenario. Her parents work illegally live at the bakery, but do they also illegally work there? Is that why they'll be in danger? It makes sense to target an illegal employee's 12yo daughter for recipes if you can threaten to turn in her family and have them deported. Of course if she does agree, they'll be fired and homeless. That puts her in a hard place. Plus there's a moral dilemma that can be complicated for 12yo. Assuming of course the law isn't involved to make it worse.

    I don't know the story, obviously, but here's how I see it:

    Isa Vera is tasked with stealing recipes from the bakery where her family illegally works and lives. It's an impossible decision for a twelve year old: one action will get her family deported, the other may leave them homeless.