Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logline Critique Round Three #9

TITLE: The Firefly Field
GENRE: MG Light Fantasy Adventure

Discovering what it means to be different, leads Herby, a firefly, to a bigger purpose that intertwines with ten-year-old boys, Josh and Tucker's, saving their town's fields from Josh's dad, the developer.

If Herby's plan doesn't win the hearts of the townspeople, and if Josh and Tucker don't convince the town council, a monster Mall-Mart will destroy their cherished firefly field - Herby's home.


  1. This sounds like a great adventure but I think you need a tad more detail and little tightening.

    Maybe something along the lines of

    When a developer threatens to tear down firefly Herby's home, he must win the hearts of the townspeople with the help of his friends or lose his cherished firefly field to a monster Mall-Mart.

  2. You need to focus this on the main character and position Josh & Tucker as tools he will use to meet his goal (that is assuming Herby is the real MC here). Also, we need more specifics on this "plan" since that is where your obstacles lie.

    Good luck!

  3. This sounds like a sweet story. In addition to telling us who the MC is, I think it could be reworded to streamline the complex sentence structure. All of the commas tripped me up. Good luck.

  4. This sounds like a fun story, I love fireflies. I think you can pare down the first sentence a bit, maybe focus on Herby's goal, which is to save his field. You could end with the comment about his discovering what it means to be different. Good Luck!

  5. Mainly just need to tighten it. Something like "A monster Mall-Mart is set to destroy Herby's cherished firefly home. Herby befriends two young boys and the three of them must convince the town council to stop the construction."

  6. I have three MCs in this MG which makes it challenging. Thanks so much my fellow writers for your honest input; you've given me something to work with. I'm at 63 words and my goal is 40 and tonight is the night.

  7. Agree with much above. I do like the idea of fireflies though. They seem fun and "light." Very unique if the want and obstacles come through in the story.

  8. Agree with much of above as well. Seems to ramble a bit, but the idea should be a winning one with kids.