Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #20

TITLE: One Free Day
GENRE: Historical Fiction

His injury from the tornado might keep him out of the army, but his job as a guard at the internment camp made him feel like he was avenging his cousin's death at Pearl Habor. The punks at the camp only fueled his animosity towards their race, that is -- until he met Shiori. After meeting her secretly he finds out she's being transferred. Then his only goal is to give her one day of freedom.


  1. This is very intriguing, but a bit vague. Perhaps beginning with a bit of information about the main character might help a little, for example:

    "When Character Name discovers his injury from the tornado...."

    Also I noticed that not all of the logline is in present tense:

    "The punks at the camp only fuel his animosity towards their race,"

    Other than that, it is very well written! You use your words wisely, and I find the concept quite intriguing.

    Best of luck,

  2. At the moment, this reads more like a query. There isn't necessarily a formula for a good logline, but this might help you get the ball rolling as you condense and clarify.


  3. First, this really needs to be in present tense. As written, it sounds like a bunch of backstory until he meets Shiori (who I assume is Japanese...would be more clear if you state this). Assuming his goal is what you say it is, what or who is going to stop him from giving her one day of freedom and what does HE have to lose if he doesn't give it to her?

    Good luck!

  4. I think your most intriguing ideas (what he risks to give her a free day) would stand out more if you cut some of the backstory. Example: It seems the main conflict is what he risks to give Shiori a free day, so do we really need to know, at this stage, about his tornado injury?

    Also, since we know Shiori's name, I would love to know your MC's name as well.

    Good work!

  5. I think you have too much back story in this log line, or maybe the log line isn't quite in the right order. What is the true conflict? It sounds to me like it's "man versus self" in that your MC is coming to terms with his hatred of the Japanese. Jumping off from that, Shiori, his new friend or lover, is the catalyst to the resolution. How about something like:

    When (MC) meets Shiori, a POW at a Japanese internment camp where he is stationed as a guard, her gentle nature makes him question his deep-seated hatred of her people. When he discovers that she's being transferred to the US's worst prison, he must release his anger to buy her a precious day of freedom.

    Or something like that; obviously it needs to fit your story!

  6. Very intriguing idea here, but be careful about keeping the phrasing all in one tense. Good Luck.

  7. I am not a whiz at historical fiction. It was my understanding that log lines should have Character, conflict and consequence. Therefore maybe something like.
    After being injured, "character name" finds himself as a guard. At first he enjoys it and feels he is avenging his cousin at Pearl Harbor. Until he meets Shori. Then continue with your log line. Just my two cents. Be careful of tenses. GL!