TITLE: Daughter of the Seventh Moon
GENRE: YA Fantasy
On her sixteenth birthday Meredith Rhodes must use the powers of the moon to break a family curse and learn the truth - did she really kill her mother?
I really like this. I think you captured plot and stakes. If you wanted to add something, I'd say tell us a bit about Meredith. Not sure it's needed though.
This does grab me, but I recall from other logline critiques that you should avoid using a question in your logline. I think maybe knowing what the family curse is might raise the stakes more. But a really great start. You have a lot to work with here.
I second the no question bit. The only thing that leaves me short is the "why?" Why does this happen on her sixteenth birthday? What's the inciting event.
Powers of the moon + family curse says werewolf to me. If that is your intent, good. If not, you may want to revisit those word choices. Also, I question the "kill" part of "kill her mother". Unless she got possessed or something as child, It seems unlikely that she could have killed her mother and not know it. I would change this to something like "and find out if her mother's death was really her fault." You could also say "and find out if her birth really killed her mother" (if that's the question). By the way, I'm not sure if you mean that her mother may or may not be dead, or if *something else* was what killed her mother.
Great premise here, but I agree with others about changing the question to a statement could up the tension a bit. I like that this is so concise but I want a few more key details. What is the curse? Will it be easy to break the curse, or is something or someone standing in her way? What happens is she succeeds? Fails? Oh, and I don't think you need her last name here.
Short and punchy. In this case, I don't mind the question. You could add a word or two about Meredith's character. Remember, a logline is for a pro editor, not a book browsing reader.
And then what? Is this whole book about her finding out if she killed her mother? If so, is there anyone trying to stop her or make this difficult? As written, it sounds like she is just sitting around waiting for her birthday and then it comes and the story is over. I doubt that is ACTUALLY what it is about of course...
I think this is compelling enough-even with the controbversial "question"--but the tone comes off a a little too "sledge hammer", as if you take it upon yourself to jolt.(maybe you are)...but soften the tone a little, it would evoke a more authentic sense of mystery, for me anyway. GLUCK!
I really like this. I think you captured plot and stakes. If you wanted to add something, I'd say tell us a bit about Meredith. Not sure it's needed though.
ReplyDeleteThis does grab me, but I recall from other logline critiques that you should avoid using a question in your logline. I think maybe knowing what the family curse is might raise the stakes more. But a really great start. You have a lot to work with here.
ReplyDeleteI second the no question bit. The only thing that leaves me short is the "why?" Why does this happen on her sixteenth birthday? What's the inciting event.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Agree with previous comments and I don't think you need to include the character's name in logline.
ReplyDeleteI like this premise. But somehow, I'm feeling disconnected from the MC. Maybe provide details on what the family curse is?
ReplyDeleteAlso, avoid ending your pitch with a question. Instead rephrase to highlight the stakes.
Powers of the moon + family curse says werewolf to me. If that is your intent, good. If not, you may want to revisit those word choices. Also, I question the "kill" part of "kill her mother". Unless she got possessed or something as child, It seems unlikely that she could have killed her mother and not know it. I would change this to something like "and find out if her mother's death was really her fault." You could also say "and find out if her birth really killed her mother" (if that's the question). By the way, I'm not sure if you mean that her mother may or may not be dead, or if *something else* was what killed her mother.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise here, but I agree with others about changing the question to a statement could up the tension a bit. I like that this is so concise but I want a few more key details. What is the curse? Will it be easy to break the curse, or is something or someone standing in her way? What happens is she succeeds? Fails? Oh, and I don't think you need her last name here.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise! Actions haunting her is good.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
Short and punchy. In this case, I don't mind the question. You could add a word or two about Meredith's character. Remember, a logline is for a pro editor, not a book browsing reader.
ReplyDeleteAnd then what? Is this whole book about her finding out if she killed her mother? If so, is there anyone trying to stop her or make this difficult? As written, it sounds like she is just sitting around waiting for her birthday and then it comes and the story is over. I doubt that is ACTUALLY what it is about of course...
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
And NO QUESTIONS IN LOGLINES!!! *flings virtual poop*
ReplyDeleteI think this is compelling enough-even with the controbversial "question"--but the tone comes off a a little too "sledge hammer", as if you take it upon yourself to jolt.(maybe you are)...but soften the tone a little, it would evoke a more authentic sense of mystery, for me anyway. GLUCK!
ReplyDeleteWho is trying to stop her? Who's hiding the secret and what bad could happen if she fails - or succeeds?
ReplyDeleteI think your premise sounds interesting but I would like to know more about the curse. Good Luck!!
ReplyDeleteI like the premise but I want to know what the curse is, what these powers are and how will they help her.
ReplyDelete