Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logline Critique Round Three #25

TITLE: Spinning the Golden Light Bulb
GENRE: MG Speculative Fiction

When 11 year-old Kia Krumpet competes in the National Finals for a spot at Piedmont Inventors Prep School, she and her NY teammates build an object that may deliver dead people to their perfect resting place. But when another team destroys thier project, Kia must outsmart them with a better invention, or she'll never get to build Pants Pockets That Bake Muffins at PIPS or her 67 other inventions either.


  1. I feel that I know what Kia Krumpet (great name) does, but not who she is. I can't tell what motivates her, why she'd come up with an invention to help dead people (I assume she knows at least one), or why she'd be excited about building a muffin-baking invention, which seems trivial by comparison. I do love the story idea. Very original!

  2. Wow. Ok, extra credit for inventiveness, lol. You definitely had me at "deliver dead to their perfect resting place." But it feels like the focus then shifts to something less interesting: winning a competition and baking muffins. It feels like there is more at stake with the dead people and the resting place. I would suggest maybe explaining more of what's personally at stake for her, and how the new baking muffins invention beats the other one. Good luck to you. You certainly do have an imaginative, original idea.

  3. I like this, but it's too cluttered for a logline. A little rewording here could go a long way! It feel like you're cramming it too full. Trust that your ideas are good enough, without having to include Everything. For example, you could remove National Finals, NY teammates, and 1 or 2 things from the last sentence, and this would be sharper- 'Kia Krumpet's coveted spot at Piedmont Inventors Prep School is threatened when a rival team destroys her entry into the National Finals...' Good luck!

  4. I want to know about all the inventions in the competition!

    Good Luck!

  5. I actually remember this one from last year (that’s a good thing by the way!)

    This would be stronger if you start with her need (to get into PIPS so she can be a real inventor). Once we have that, you can show that winning this competition will guarantee her a place and then you can use the other team’s actions as an obstacle to her goal. I would not mention the muffin thing. It’s cute but it confuses this a little. It’s enough to say that she has 67 inventions she has always wanted to build.

    Good luck!

  6. This is fun and clever! (not to nitpick something tiny, but just in case you're copy-pasting from a source doc with an error: you have "thier" in your 2nd sentence)

    I didn't find there was too much going on, but I do agree you could cut the mention of teammates to streamline it a bit. This is a personal thing, but I don't love having a "When..." sentence followed by a "But when..." Any way to avoid the "When" in the first line? Something like "11-year-old Kia Krumpet is determined to...", possibly?

    I want to know what the other 67 inventions are too :)

  7. First read gave me a similar reaction. You had me with inventors prep school, and she and her teammates. Once I hit "But when..." it lost its punch. I'm having a similar problem with mine, too so keep at it. I think these are harder to write than a good query letter.

  8. Lots going on here, which is great for MG. They love fun quirky stories. I was a little confused by parts of this logline. Is Kia's main goal to build pants that bake muffins? And if she is brilliant then why can't she invent it anyway? How does the competition stop her from building the pants? I guess I'd like a clearer view of what she wants and what is getting in her way.