Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #27

TITLE: Fractured Spirit
GENRE: YA Romantic Suspense

Good girl Sierra Montgomery becomes the prime suspect when her stalker disappears. Sixteen-year-old Sierra is determined to stop being a victim but to regain control of her life she may just have to break a few rules.


  1. This almost sounds like two different stories. Is this about Sierra overcoming the harassment from a stalker? Or her becoming the suspect in his disappearance? Also, loglines generally don't use names. You can just say...

    A sixteen-year-old good girl has been cowering from a stalker for three years. The day he finally goes away is the greatest day of her life, until she becomes the prime suspect in his disappearance...

    It sounds like it could be a very interesting story that just isn't coming across in your logline.

  2. Your premise has me hooked. However, it reads so much more clearly the way Rachel has rewritten it.

    Good luck.

  3. I agree with the other posters, and would also add that you might want to include her goal. Is it to clear her name, and that's why she has to break rules? Sounds like an interesting premise!

  4. Love how you end with "may just have to break a few rules."
    I think your goal might be clearer if you cut out either
    "is determined to stop being a victim" OR "to regain control of her life." Which one does she most want? Also, what physical goal will accomplish it for her?

  5. The stakes aren't coming across to me. What does "regain control of her life" mean? Is she in jail? On the run? I'm on the fence about whether "break a few rules" works because I kind of want to know what that means. (Not sure if it belongs in the log line, which is why I'm on the fence about it.) Is it possible to be more specific about what the conflict is--what she's going to have to do to resolve her issue?

  6. The only goal here is kind of vague. What does "regain control of her life" look like and how will we know when she achieves it? From the set up, it sounds like her goal should be to clear her name and the conflict should be that she can't do so without breaking some rules.

    Good luck!

  7. This story sounds interesting but I would recommend showing how the two girls fit together in some way. Are they friends, enemies, frenemies. That might help raise the tension.

  8. As for the loglines usually don't contain names comment, this is a style choice. I was always taught to use a name until a recent course I took suggested not to. I personally prefer a character name but maybe it's because I learned that method first. I don't think either is wrong so long as the necessary details of the story are there.

    I was also a little confused whether there were two Sierras in the story given the way it reads. I would suggested starting with sixteen-year-old Sierra becomes the prime suspect... Then that second line can expound on that. She must do what (name the action) to clear her name or (what is the threat?) will happen. Something like that.

    Good luck--it seems like there is a lot of interest in thriller or suspense-elements in YA right now. :)

  9. Thanks everybody for the help.

    Here's the revised version.

    Sixteen-year-old good girl Sierra Montgomery is desperate for her life to return to normal but soon goes from victim to suspect when her stalker disappears. To prove her innocence, she may just have to break some rules and say goodbye to her good girl image permanently.