Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #14

TITLE: Monstrous and Simple

Lilli wakes up one morning to find herself turning into a giant cockroach, making it impossible to support her lazy family and awkward to attend Senior Prom with Gene. It's hard for monstrous vermin to retrace steps and find a cure, but if she doesn't she'll die this way--giant roaches have a notoriously short life span.


  1. Ha! This logline is wonderful! After reading quite a few of these, it seems like most of them are lacking in voice, but this has it in spades. I love the humorous take on the whole turning into a giant insect thing.

  2. Yup - great premise and the logline is rich with voice. Couple of nit picky things: I'd reverse the order of prom and supporting family, so the stakes rise as we go. I associate the word vermin not with bugs, but with rodents. Maybe check on that? I think you need a comma after doesn't in the last sentence. Great stuff.

  3. Metamorphosis for teens! I like it! Your voice comes through in the logline. It sounds like a genuinely funny story.

  4. I think you've got strong stakes, but I'm not sure I see how "retracing steps" is going to help a cockroach find a cure (and is this a disease?) I'd suggest you try to be slightly more specific about the obstacles. Also, you don't need to say that roaches have a short life span. It's enough to say "she'll die this way" or "she'll die soon".

    Good luck!

  5. A retelling of The Metamorphosis is a great idea, and I agree that the voice is quite funny. The first line is very effective, but the second line isn't working so well; you need to be more specific, and as Holly said, it isn't clear how retracing her steps could help her undo her transformation. (And I hope this story has a happy ending, unlike the original!)

    Also, I know that 'monstrous vermin' is a direct reference to the name Kafka's character uses for the thing he's transformed into, but I'm concerned that some readers who don't pick up on that may find it puzzling, since I think GKByrne is right that although 'vermin' technically includes insects, it seems that these days most people visualize mice and rats when they see that word. So I'm a bit torn about that, but it's something you may want to think about.

  6. Thank you so much for the very encouraging comments, you guys! Yes, vermin includes pests or insects, but I certainly have a lot of synonyms to choose from that don't conjure up mice. I'll also nix the "notoriously short lifespan" comment and up the obstacles a little here. Will also reverse "lazy family" and "Prom."

    Much appreciated. What an excellent exercise this was!!