Miss Snark's First Victim
This one would benefit from some more detail. "To survive," for example, is very general. You might try fleshing out this basic formula to get things rolling.When [INCITING INCIDENT OCCURS], a [SPECIFIC PROTAGONIST] must [OBJECTIVE], or else [STAKES].
I appreciate the simplicity-but it doesn't do enough to make your reader want to read on. To survive what? What's the danger? what's the stakes?Good luck.
I think you tried to make this too slim and sleek. There is no meat to hook me. Also, I think you meant to write "her fast" not "her-fast."Good luck.
I agree with the others. This would work as a twitter pitch, but you have some extra space in a logline. Perhaps more specificity with "To survive" and "everything she loves" will make this more compelling.
This could do with a little more meat, as it is right now it is very bare-bones and as a result comes off as a bit generic. Why does she need to know what happened to survive? Is she sick? A proverbial (or literal) ticking time bomb? Why would everything she loves be at risk if she doesn't figure it out?
I love that this is about aliens and your MC has been kidnapped. I need to know more about what will happen if she doesn't figure it out and more about the situation of her kidnapping. Great start.
Too general. The kidnapping part is key though, so its good you mentioned that, but you are not using enough words. Details, details!
I really love that Beta can't remember what her alien kidnappers did to her, but am desperate to really know what she risks losing and how.
First, it sounds like she wants to escape, not just survive. If so, you need to show why she needs to escape now (has she just found out they will kill her in 2 days?) Then, you need to explain why this will be hard. I can't see how remembering something is going to set her free. Clarify.The final part about risking everything she loves doesn't seem necessary. If her life is at stake, who cares about everything she loves? She'll be dead if she doesn't win! Good luck!Holly
I basically agree with mcdircks - "risk everything she loves" is vague. Is that family? A house? A rare collection?What are the stakes? It sounds interesting - more details so we care about her - and what happens to her.
I find myself distanced from this because it's just too vague. To survive what? What does she love? Who are these aliens? I don't need complete answers to all of this, but one or two specific details (For example, to survive her captivity or to protect her sister) to provide context would help.
Yea this could use some more details. Why will she be risking everything? How will remembering help her survive?
Yes, this was a twitter pitch. Trying to flesh it out right now so works. Thanks for the input!
Everyone else seems to have covered it, but I wanted to add that the more specifics you use in your pitch, the more it will set apart your story from others in the same genre. What kind of twist or fresh perspective can you show off to hook the agent? Good luck!