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Personally, I love this logline. I don't know if it follow the rules, but since I'm familiar with Romeo and Juliet, I'm intrigued. I suppose there is a danger that not everyone will get the reference, but I would imagine that's a slight risk. Good luck.
I like the idea of the cyborg solider. Is the solider in love with the mage? It's all just too vague. The reference to Romeo and Juliet doesn't really help.
I like this! Cyborgs and mages sound like a great mix of sci fi and fantasy, but I agree with Diana I don't think the Romeo and Juliet comparison is helping. I think it confuses things when you say if one survives. I wasn't sure if you meant they were fighting each other or one dies in other way.
I like this as a premise, but I would really like to know who the characters are, what the stakes are, and what the ticking clock is.
This is a tagline or a comp line, but it's not a logline. Even if you are doing a re-telling, you still have to give us the basics of the story (character, need, inciting incident, goal, obstacles, stakes).Good luck!Holly
I agree that's this is a comp line but not a logline. It sort of works as a hook sentence but then you need to follow-up with a strong sentence that gives us the situation and the stakes. Also, I'd leave out "It's Romeo and Juliet" and "and one of them survives" because the first feels redundant since both names are mentioned again and the second tells us part of the ending, which I don't want to know when starting a book.
Hey everyone,Thank you so much for your feedback! Could you please tell me if this is any better?"When Q-431-A, a cyborg soldier in a secret army, is sent undercover to high school, she knows better than to ask why. Her Handlers provide her a list of orders they claim will cover every scenario – but it doesn't include falling in love. Parker's perfect, but manipulative, and every second they're together he gets closer to uncovering her identity. If he succeeds, her Handlers will kill them both."
I like the second version much better, but I wonder if it's a touch too long. What about tightening up the first sentence a bit? Maybe: "When Q-431-A, a cyborg soldier in a secret army, is sent undercover to high school, her Handlers provide her a list of orders to cover every scenario – but it doesn't include falling in love. Parker's perfect, but manipulative, and every second they're together he gets closer to uncovering her identity. If he succeeds, her Handlers will kill them both."But I like your premise a lot! It sounds really unique.
This isn't a logline; it's something you'd say to advertise for a book. And while it's interesting, I still have no idea what the plot is besides possibly a star-crossed lovers element and even that's vague.
This feels more like an elevator pitch than a log line. I know characters (and, honestly, not necessarily appealing ones) and set up. Now I need goal, obstacle, stakes.
Interesting premise, but I agree with the others. This is not a logline.