Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #28

TITLE: Mortal Failings
GENRE: YA Paranormal

The problem isn't that Cami's boyfriend is only half-human, the problem is that he's controlling and terrifyingly unbalanced. When she tries to leave him, his anger triggers nothing less than a full-scale war among the Eternals. Cami will have to take extreme - possibly murderous - measures to reclaim control of her own life.


  1. This is great :) My only nitpicks are that I'd change the first comma into a period and add a clear trigger that makes Cami realize she'll have to take extreme measures.

    Good luck! :D

  2. I would try to shorten that first sentence and give us a little on this war and eternals, because I don't see how those two things connect. WHy does leaving him start a war among the eternals? What are eternals?

    I think you could just say Cami's controlling, unbalanced boyfriend is only half human and if he tries to leave him, his anger triggers (then explain what the war and eternals are)

  3. I'm confused about how Cami leaving her boyfriend would result in a war. It also doesn't specify the real stakes. What is "control of her own life?" Does he lock her in a basement? Mind control her? Threaten her family?

    I also think you can clean up the language. The first sentence seems like fluff to me and could be combined with the second. And "his anger triggers nothing less than a full-scale war" can be cut to "his anger triggers a war" (or "full-scale war," if you like).

  4. This is a little muddled. If her long-term NEED is to leave him, then something must happen to make her finally try at the beginning of this story. After that, you need to present obstacles that make it difficult for her to get away. You mention a war, and while that sounds bad, I don't see the connection to her goal of getting away.

    Good luck!

  5. What is the inciting incident that leads her to try to leave him? Or maybe her leaving him is the inciting incident that starts the full on war. I'm not clear on how a war among the eternals affects Cami. If I were
    Cami I'd let the eternals fight it out and just leave. What gets her caught up in it all, leading her to possibly take murderous actions to be free? I want to know why she can't just walk awaly?

    best of luck!

  6. This is an interesting twist on the abuse premise. I think maybe this could be shortened to something like “Cami will do anything to escape her controlling, half-human boyfriend. When she attempts exactly that, his anger….” Still a bit clunky, I know, but just trying to brainstorm :-) Maybe also something linking the war to her involvement? Good luck!

  7. ^I like Ryna's suggestion to condense the first line. I agree, it's the last line that isn't quite bringing the hook just yet. Maybe replacing the reclaim control part which is vague, with what she risks losing. She will have to take extreme measures OR ... what will happen if she doesn't?