Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logline Critique Round Three #19

TITLE: Next Of Kin

On the eve of Emily’s eighteenth birthday, her mother tries to bind Emily's powers and gets carted off by—surprise—Emily’s demon father, and the local coven attempt a ritual sacrafice with Emily as their virginal offering. Emily needs to part ways with her damned virginity before it gets her killed; oh, and figure out a way to save her mom without losing her own soul to daddy-dearest.


  1. I really like the voice and humor in this one. The stakes are pretty clear, though I'd like a little more detail on why the coven wants to sacrifice HER, specifically. I know it's hard because it's a logline and you only get so many words, but how is this coven related to Emily, her mom, or her dad? Is it Emily's coven? Have they betrayed her? That's really the only part that doesn't fit into the puzzle for me, as it stands. Overall though, this is pretty strong and I'd definitely give it a chance.

  2. I reread this 4 or 5 times and still felt a little confused. Is the father part of the coven? Are these 2 separate issues? I think if this was tweaked, you wouldn't have to use Emily's name so much, and there would be a sharper hook. It definitely sounds like a fun read, and the voice comes through nicely.

  3. I also like the voice and humor. The set up is a little confusing. Is all of it necessary? For instance, do we need to know what her mom was doing when her father shows up? Also, is the reason the coven shows up b/c Emily is unprotected by mom? A few tweaks and this one should be ready to go out there and shine.

  4. Cute premise. Good voice that suggests the novel might be a fun read, though the awkwardness of the logline also suggests it needs another deep round of editing before submission. And why does she want to save her mom if her mom is trying to steal her powers?

    Still, this sounds like a fun story.

  5. I think her mom was trying to do something *good* by binding her powers? Maybe that phrase isn't quite working--I had to pause there to think over what it meant, and Brent interprets it completely differently than I do. I agree you could just cut out the mention of what her mom was doing.

    I also wonder about starting with "On the eve of..." It didn't quite set the humorous fantasy tone for me. Could you start off a little less formally and establish your funny, light voice faster? This is a terrible example, but along the lines of, "Emily never expected her absentee dad to show up for her 18th birthday, and she really didn't expect him to turn out to be a demon." You could do much better than that, but you see what I'm getting at :)

    I really liked the voice, and I'd definitely take a look at the book to see if it's as fun a read as this promises!

  6. This is too focused on what happens rather than why it matters to Emily. Does Emily want anything here? Is this binding meant to deliver it? Your entire plot cannot be focused on getting away from something (that's called a negative goal). It needs to also have something she is running TO!

    Good luck!

  7. This sounds like a great premise, and I think you have lots going on to keep us turning those pages. Keep working on this logline to get it where you need it to be to hook an agent. I did struggle with how losing her virginity is a real barrier here. If it will same her life it wouldn't be hard to find someone to sleep with her, unless she is really objectionable in some way. I also wasn't sure how everything connected. I bet working on what Emily wants and needs and what gets in her way will bring this together. Good luck!