Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logline Critique Round Three #32

TITLE: Steam, Steel and Static
GENRE: YA Steampunk

Addie Tolliver wants independence. She never planned on protecting men in her matriarchal society; especially not the boy betrothed to her rival, the boy who makes her heart sing more than repairing old mechanations. When the Timekeeper decides to exile all men, Addie must either join the rebellion for equality, risking the lives of everyone she loves, or sacrifice her freedom working for the Timekeeper in the hopes she can save them all.


  1. Nice premise. Love the the stakes.

  2. Great premise here. I like that you're introducing a bit of the character's voice but it feels too long to me. The first two sentences could be joined and the middle could be condensed, leaving out her heart singing, I think.
    Addie Tolliver never planned on protecting men... When the Timekeeper (not sure who or what this is, BTW) exiles all men, Addie must ...
    Also, the wording of the last sentence could be tightened to amp up the tension. First make her actions more active: join the rebellion and fight for equality. Second: how does giving up her freedom help her maybe save everyone? Is she going to infiltrate the Timekeeper and play double-agent? Just my opinion, of course. Hope it helps. Good luck.

  3. Maybe if you started with "In a matriarchal society..." then went into the stakes, this would flow a little better. Also, who is Addie Tolliver that she can have such influence in the goings-on?

  4. Love the premise, but to me this reads more like the short synopsis in a query than a log line. It's just too long.

    The line "sacrifice her freedom working for the timekeeper" is unclear to me. Do you mean sacrifice the freedom she enjoys because she works for the time-keeper? Or sacrifice her freedom by going to work for the time keeper?

    Also, is the whole bit about the boy who's engaged to her rival and makes her heart sing necessary? You could start with something much simpler like Addie wants independence, not a boyfriend.

  5. The main problem is that it's too long. Which aspects are most important to the story? My inclination is to drop the first two sentences.

  6. I love that you started with the need. YAY YOU!

    The first two sentences here are fine, but I'm not sure I am seeing a clear goal after this Timekeeper exiles all men. It sounds like you are inciting a choice which is fine if your book literally ends when she makes her choice, but if it ends when she convinces him to change his mind, then that is her goal and making the choice is what makes it difficult.

    Good luck!


  7. I think you can leave out "matriarchal society." "Protecting men" and "exile all men" get enough across.

    I'm confused by Addie's second option. Not join the rebellion, and... go to work for the Timekeeper and betray her? Uphold the Timekeeper's decision and hope it works out safer fro everyone?

    I like the title and the premise.

  8. I'm a little confused throughout. What's a Timekeeper? Not sure what you mean by "repairing old machanations." Problem is, when you encounter several points of confusion right off the bat, the whole thing snowballs into deeper confusion.Can you take a deep breath, cut to the quick, and simplify? (believe me, I've faced the same challenges!) GLUCK!