Thursday, May 2, 2019

First 100 #14

TITLE: The Legacy Project
GENRE: MG Historical Fiction

     We sat in the front pew, Mr. Bailey's casket so close, I could almost hear him breathing. If he were alive, that is.

     "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," the pastor said from the pulpit.

     Mama sighed and rubbed her round belly. The baby was due any day now, and she had grown tired of all the comments. On our way into church, a lady had said, "Oh my, you look like you're about to pop!"

     "Any day now!" Mama laughed politely. But when we were out of earshot she whispered, "And she looks like she ate too many pancakes this morning."

5 comments:

  1. Oh my word, this is so full of voice, the body and the baby may sit up and sing. Well done.

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  2. I would start with the third paragraph, omit politely. Because the pancake bit is great. Then tell us where they sit and she can hear the corpse breathing. I like the voice and would read more.

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  3. I like the voice, but I don't think you need the "If he were alive, that is" since you've just told us he's in a coffin. It's fine as a single thought, but it's weird as an afterthought. It should be more like, "so close to Mr. Bailey's casket, I'd have heard him breath if he was still alive."

    Also, it's weird to make it seem like Mama is sighing ABOUT a belly comment when she has just sighed about the pastor talking about the Lord.

    Holly

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  4. I really like the voice! Maybe play with not mentioning the casket right away so that the line, "if he were alive" is more surprising. E.g. We sat in the front pew, Mr. Bailey's so close, I could almost hear him breathing. If he were alive, that is. I'm wondering why Mama is tired of the comments, and what kind of comments are they? Annoying, repetitive, insincere? Love the pancake line. Well done!

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  5. I like this voice, and I'm intrigued to keep reading. I do feel like there's a lot of emphasis on the mom instead of the MC. Like the other commenters, I like the pancake line.

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