Thursday, May 2, 2019

First 100 #4

TITLE: Tesseract Cats
GENRE: MG Science Fiction

Fresh blood, on newly fallen show, doesn’t look like it does on television. It isn’t a bright, shiny, red like in a lipstick ad. Or on a Coca-Cola bottle. Or a stop sign. And because it’s warm, the snow melts under it. And sinks. Like a fast running river cuts through sand.

          

5 comments:

  1. This is an evocative image, but I'd love to feel more like I'm experiencing this from your protagonist's POV at the start. Is this a narrator speaking? The image might be more powerful if we start by knowing either who's bleeding or who's seeing the blood.

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  2. I really like this. Such great imagery with the Coke bottle and the snow melting. Good start. I hope the character is brought in soon after and we know why they know this much about blood on snow.

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  3. This is a little confusing and not coming off as MG, probably because of the lipstick ad (how would a kid have seen a lipstick ad?) Also, you're saying that the snow sinks under the blood, but I think you mean to say that the blood sinks. Finally, the fast river simile is not working for blood and snow. Blood doesn't melt through snow at the pace a river cuts through sand. You need a metaphor that is similar is pace.

    Holly

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  4. Hi there!

    I love what you're going for here. If you started with only "Fresh blood doesn't look like it does on television," it'd narrow the focus on what's happening and would make readers ask all the right questions.

    I'm in support of the lipstick, coke, Stop sign comparisons to blood. Though I think you could make the voice sound more kiddish when writing these details, I like the chosen objects. This feels like a real person surrounded by the structured and materialism of our world, reflecting through monologue on these things without realizing it. I'd imagine your MC would see lipstick ads all the time on Insta/YouTube, so I appreciate the realism here. Also you could cut out shiny/bright and go with a stronger description or something childlike about the lipstick.

    Good luck :)

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  5. Great opening. It does feel more like YA than mg though (not because of the lipstick, because mg kids might have seen a lipstick ad, but because of overall tone/voice). Sometimes, fewer descriptions/similes can make something stronger; I feel it might be stronger without the last 2 sentences

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