Thursday, May 2, 2019

First 100 #8

TITLE: Lily Silverclaw
GENRE: MG Fantasy

In the dark of the moon, while young and old lay sleeping sound, Lily Silverclaw ventured out of the burrow and into the night.

She popped her head above the burrow mound and glanced left and right across the prairie. Nobody there. She eyed the guard pacing along the top of the tall, stone Wall that surrounded the prairie dog town.

Time to move. Lily scrambled out and scurried from bush to bush. She whirled around to make sure no one had noticed her leaving—because that would be a disaster—and rammed into another prairie dog.

5 comments:

  1. You set the scene nicely, but I'd like a little more feeling behind Lily. Why is she coming out at night? Does she realize how dangerous it is? Is she scared? You don't have to reveal all of her reasons yet, but it would be nice to provide some internal thoughts to help give the reader an idea of who Lily is and why we might care about her fate.

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  2. This entrance was adorable. Quick and clever entry into learning the MC is a prairie dog with the scramble and scurry action, along with "another prairie dog." Love the name of the MC. Possible suggestion, you can leave out the "nobody there" if you put in something along that line of "she eyed the lone guard pacing." Also, two burrows close together was a bit distracting. Could you use mound alone? Great job and good luck. I like this entry. Thank you for sharing your work.

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  3. I really like this, but would suggest you think about your verb use. Your character is venturing, popping, glancing, scrambling, scurrying, and whirling around. These are all verbs that give us the impression of quick movement, but your voice is coming across as more calm. If you're trying to create a sense of panic, every sentence should show it. You can't have long sentences about the moon and people sleeping as that creates calm which is not what you want. If it is what you want, I would suggest you use verbs that show more slow and methodical movements.

    Holly

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  4. I find the contrast between the peaceful, sleeping setting and Lily's actions a great point of juxtaposition. It shows us at once how different she is from the others. I can't imagine what she's going out after, but I'd definitely read on to find out. Nicely done!

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