TITLE: STARK NAKED IN PARADISE
GENRE: HIGH CONCEPT WOMEN’S FICTION
Gentle Reader: She was the most fascinating and perplexing woman I’d ever known…she could look in a person’s eyes and know their secrets, but hers were hidden from the world…or look in their faces and see their past, though hers was hidden from herself…the heroine of my bare-all multi-character expose’ of romance, murder and sex in the suburbs. Think Agatha Christie meets Deep Throat.
Disclaimer: Names were changed to protect the not so innocent, and true or not it’s what I heard and what I saw.
PROLOGUE
Damn it, she thought, staring into the barrel of a gun and a face cloaked in undisguised loathing. She who could see all and know all had once again ignored the signs.
“Surprised?” the voice jeered. “What’d you expect? A singing telegram?”
“Killing me won’t change anything,” she said.
“On the contrary, I’ll sleep better seeing your name on a tombstone… Dorian…Dorothy…whatever name they’ll put on it.”
“You won’t get very far. After you poisoned my cat I called the police.”
“That a****** sergeant and p****-chasing cop? I’ll be far away before they zip up their pants.”
Keep talking, stall for time…“The night of the gardener’s murder, you spied on me while I swam in the pool…”
“Could have had you then but two killings in one night would arouse suspicion. You know I tried real hard to be friends with you…”
“Friends? You’re evil, I see it in your face…”
“So high and mighty, even with a gun ready to splatter your brains…”
I'm sorry....
ReplyDeleteI was kinda pushed back by the Gentle Reader thing. The other thing is the dialogue in the prologue seemed there only to give information/infodump. It's seemed rather "As you know, bob".
I was also a bit put off by the gentle reader portion. It gave me the expectation that the story would be told in first person by a bystander of the "fascinating woman," akin to Watson and Sherlock Holmes. But then you take the reader from first person POV to third and it becomes jarring.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I liked the dialogue and the fact that we were brought right into the action. We don't know where the story goes or how chapter 1 starts, but it sounds like an intriguing setup here. I hope the first chapter is equally as exciting!
Not hooked- Though I was lured in by the Gentle Reader, the dialogue was jarring and had no real context. Who is "she" who is "the voice". I did not feel attached enough to the characters to want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI really like each piece (Gentle Reader/Disclaimer and Prologue) by itself, but don't think their tones mesh well together. If you just began with the Prologue, you'd have me hooked. I love that first para, especially the second sentence - it makes me wonder who we're dealing with here.
ReplyDeleteStarting off with action is great. It seems that the hints of story concept are interesting.
ReplyDeleteI got the impression that the Gentle Reader section is sort of a prologue to a prologue. It was a rough transition to read right off the bat.
Also, the first sentence of the prologue threw me a little - a face that is cloaked seems at odds with undisguised emotion.
The dialog moved nicely, but had little tension to go with the words. I found myself wanting to know what she sees of the attacker's expressions during the interchange or more of what she thinks as she speaks, nothing too in depth, but little hints would have been great.
Overall, I was hooked enough to want to read the next page or two, but would have been hooked in more solidly if it had just begun with the Prologue.
Not hooked. Gentle reader and a prologue felt like too much explaining to me before the story even starts.
ReplyDeleteAnd then the Gentle Reader section was in an entirely different voice which isn't a big deal except that, since I have a prologue in another voice, I have no idea which voice is your MC, and I'm wondering if I'll be greeted with yet another voice when chapter one finally comes around.
Also I seem to remember this from the last contest without the gentle reader blurb. Perhaps go back to that version?
And it really bugged me that I don't know who she's talking to. The reader is supposed to know what your MC knows, and since you don't tell me what she knows, that also makes me think I'm going to find another voice when we get to chapter one.
I was thrown by the 'gentle reader' paragraph at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI like that the rest of the beginning throws the reader right into the thick of it, but..I agree with others, in that I'd like to know who the narrator is talking to.
It's like being thrown into the deep end, but having to find the floaty ring thingy.
I too did not care for the gentle reader thing... perhaps I am not gentle. :)
ReplyDeleteI did enjoy the rest.
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ReplyDelete(correcting my typo, heh)
ReplyDeleteYou have 10 ellipses ( ... ) in 250 words. Most are used incorrectly. I can't imagine an agent wouldn't auto reject for that.
Also, "gentle reader" and "disclaimer" seemed like the author is telling me what they should SHOW me with the narrative.
I think I needed a bit more background before I was plunged into the action. It's always good to start with the action, but I wasn't grounded enough in your character to be able to follow who she's talking to and why he/she wants to kill your protagonist.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read on for a few more pages just to see where you're going with it.
Wasn't hooked by either of the two sections -- no context for the chapter; the "Gentle Reader" prologue probably isn't necessary. It jars me from the title/genre set up.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Catherine in that the dialogue reads "As you know, Bob."
ReplyDeleteAnd like others, the difference between the first and second parts was jarring. The direct address to the reader doesn't bother me per se - Elizabeth Peters uses it masterfully, but she uses it in the voice of the protag and I can't tell if that's what's happening here. In fact the opposite seems to be happening. Not hooked I'm afraid.
This doesn't sound like high-concept to me...it sounds a bit low-brow, actually.
ReplyDeleteI think you meant the italics to be a query-ish paragraph? Whether it is or isn't--it didn't work for me; a bit too tongue-in-cheek and contradictory (in style and tone).
As for the actual writing? It's just back and forth. Although the hook is nice, in the end, it's too people talking, and tension of the gun is lost--literally--in conversation.
Semi-hooked... probably enough to get me to finish the first chapter.
ReplyDeleteI think the "Disclaimer" was more successful in catching my attention (love the "names were changed") than the "Gentle Reader" bit. I agree with some earlier comments that the dialogue seems a little "expositionary." Unfortunately, I can't recall a successful mystery/suspense writer who doesn't use dialogue for exposition purposes... it might just be part of the genre.
The gun got my attention, but they stood there talking, which made me forget there was a gun. Perhaps you can orient the readers first before the action.
ReplyDeleteThe "gentle reader" thing did not work for me either. It was a popular thing for authors to do back in the 1700s, but fell out of practice (for good reason, in my opinion). You'd be better off without it.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I have to come down on the side of not hooked on this one.
Gotta agree about the excessive elipses. I hate trying to figure out if I'm reading English or Morse Code. Still, I was intrigued by the killer unable to decide whether the heroine's character would have a male or a female name on his/her (?) tombstone. Dialogue needs some work, but I might read on a bit.
ReplyDeleteI can see how the gentle reader thing would work in book form, where perhaps you read it on one page then turn to another page to read the prologue.
ReplyDeleteI'm agreeing with the 'too many ellipses' camp, and with Sir Otter about the Dorian/Dorothy thing.
I'm semi-hooked on this one. I don't like openings where we don't know what's going on (who is the voice? where are they?) so I'd want this to clarify the setting and characters fairly quickly. That's a personal thing though.
I wasn't hooked by this one. The "Gentle Reader" disclaimer isn't necessary, and I'm usually not a fan of prologues either, preferring manuscripts to simply start with Chapter 1. I couldn't immediately relate to the characters and I wasn't particularly emotionally involved despite the threat of the gun. The writing felt a bit heavy-handed. I wanted to get to know these characters better before being thrust into their lives at such an intense moment.
ReplyDelete