TITLE: Richard's War, Book 1: Upstart
GENRE: Historical fiction
William awoke to a twinge in his leg and rain outside the porthole. Rain. Bloody, blasted, grey, annoying, cold, wet rain. Welcome home, Will, he thought to himself, looking over the rail of the Queen’s Bounty as Southampton emerged from the gray curtain of the early morning profoundly English downpour. Five years away, and what did he arrive home to? Pissing rain. He understood then why so many of his countrymen took to India—for all its strangeness, at least the sun shone for more than five minutes.
Disembarking was a combination of madness and tedium; being horseless had one advantage: all he had to see to was his luggage, and so William managed to get ashore quickly and quietly. Despite how well his leg had healed, he was still considered a casualty, and therefore, not under orders. It didn’t take him long to hire porters and take lodgings in a decent inn. He left orders for a hot meal and hotter bath to be ready before sundown before he stepped out into the chilly September morning. The rain abated and the sun struggled to come out as William strolled around the town. Five years was a long time to be away, and he wanted to get a sense of the times before heading for the chaos of the capital. He’d heard rumors of arguments in the royal family, had had letters from his old companion Prince Edward Augustus about his enforced exile in Canada, and war on the Continent.
I thought this had a nice 'English-y' feel to it. Sets the tone well enough that I don't mind the slow start. I'd hope for some action in the next few pages though. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteMy only quibble, and it's a minor one, because I didn't notice on the first read-through, is that you started with William waking up. I understand that this can be a bit of a no-no.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I liked it, I like William's voice and I'd want to read on.
I like the 'Rain. Bloody, blasted, grey, annoying, cold, wet rain.' sentence very much. Maybe lead off with this? You mention his leg shortly afterwards anyway, and the rain, so perhaps you could lose the first sentence altogether? I like the writing - it conveys William's frustration very well, but I feel there is too much information too fast in the second paragraph. You repeat information: five years away from home. Also, you have used his name four times in this 250 word excerpt. It has a good sense of place and time, but I think it could use tweaking to make it feel as effortless as the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteBloody, blasted, grey, annoying, cold, wet rain. I didn't care for this sentence. It was more like a string of words that went on and on. The first paragraph could be tightened it was all about the rainy weather.
ReplyDeleteIn the second paragraph I'd find a replacement for one of the "ly" words....William managed to get ashore quickly and quietly. Also would replace the word hot or hotter as they appear in the same sentence......He left orders for a hot meal and hotter bath
If this was tightened up I think it would be really good.
I like this, but not entirely hooked. I do think that there was info crammed in towards the end after '...September morning.'
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph and look forward to the responses on the stacked adjectives--as I have the start of a YA that does so. I enjoyed it, but will bow to those with more knowledge on the subject.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph was a bit of an info dump that let my attention wander. I counted six new tidbits of info; horseless because of the leg perhaps, leg injured in military service, not on orders, gone five years, connections to royal family, and a friend in exile (to Canada--yeah the canadians might riot! LOL).
I suspect there might be a way to dispense through other means over the next paragraphs or so--conversation, or other means. That might hold the readers attention more through the beginning of your manuscript.
I liked it. Good job.
I liked the English tone but would be certain of different word meanings and colloqualisms. 'Pissed' in England means drunk or inebriated. 'Sodding' might be a better choice. And, not to quibble, but don't care for using the same word twice in a sentence - 'before' gets used twice in the same sentence. Not sure if line editing helps, but could use some commas -- for example, "early morning, profoundly English downpour." Otherwise, you've captured beautifully a rainy, English morning -- I remember them well!
ReplyDeleteLiked the first paragraph... a lot... but the second ruined it for me. It was night then it was morning, then he was strolling... there was a lot of information that could probably be held off until later.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the tone on the first paragraph. I understood right away he was injured, a soldier of some sort, and his reluctance to be back in England.
ReplyDeleteThe second para bogged me down, and there were some repetitive words that jumped at me.
I'd read on to find out more about his leg and his connections!
Well written and intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the comments about the info dump in the second paragraph.
If this was mine, I would break up the second paragraph and write a few more details for each step in his passage from the boat to the inn. You know, the old "show, don't tell."
Elise, 'pissing rain', is a very, very common expression in the UK. Being or getting 'pissed' is also a common expression for getting drunk. Of course, it can also mean being really angry. I don't think 'sodding' really cuts it here. He's been out of the country for five years - in a nice hot balmy country at that - and he comes back to a deluge. Given his background, he probably followed those thoughts up with a lot of colourful expressions that can't be printed here. lol
ReplyDeleteOh, I liked this! Loved the voice. Really liked the first paragraph. (I read a lot of hist. fiction- Dunnett is my all time favorite)
ReplyDeleteI have only two minor comments.
"before sundown before"- I'd rework that. It gave me pause in an otherwise very smooth read. Maybe just put the last clause at the start of the sentence?
Then the very last sentence- sort of a weak wording to such a great first 250. I'd put a period after family. Then "He'd had letters...
I just think that would sound stronger.
Best of luck. I really like this. It's nice to see a different genre.
I'm not hooked. Part of it is all the descriptors for the rain. I understand that it's important, but it takes up nearly half of the first paragraph alone. I might read more, probably a page or two.
ReplyDeleteI, too, didn't like all the descriptors for the rain. You have a nice voice, and it made me keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like the English tone, but all the adjectives used to describe the rain in the second sentence dampened my interest (no pun intended).
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph completely turned me off. Too much telling and not enough showing, I think. However, you have a great voice and I'd be interested in reading more once this is polished. Will strikes me as an interesting chap.
I like it - I'd read on. :) Love the setting and the English tone. As someone who often sets things in Seattle, I love to read descriptions of rain.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph, but the second started to drag for me. Could more happen? (By which I mean, could the plot develop quicker?)
ReplyDeleteI liked your voice, but I agree that the second paragraph is a bit infodumpy. Also, a lot seems to happen without us really seeing it - he gets off the boat, hires porters, gets lodgings, leaves orders, goes strolling and thinks about the royal family and war. I know sometimes you have to skip over things in novels, but not usually right at the start. I'd start the story when something significant happens.
ReplyDeleteThis might work for another agent, but since I only handle fiction with female protagonists, I didn't feel this submission would be right for me. I also felt William complained too much right at the outset--not such an attractive or relatable quality. The second paragraph was more interesting than the first and hinted at an interesting story. There is one sentence with the word "before" twice--a bit awkward but editable.
ReplyDelete