TITLE: Finding Grace
GENRE: Women's Fiction
My childhood was carefully contained in hefty storage totes separated into categories of artwork, special clothing, report cards and school papers. I had my mother to blame for it. She was the kind of person who saved everything. I did not inherit my mother’s sentimentalism. I assumed all my preserved memories would stay at my parent’s home until they passed away. By then I would be so old I wouldn’t even remember my childhood, and so wouldn’t care about rescuing it from the trash. I was surprised by their sudden decision to sell the house I grew up in and annoyed when told to come for my things on Sunday. I wondered how eight boxes of memorabilia had suddenly become my things, when I had never saved, or even cared, about any of it.
I found a shoe box full of letters written to me in Jr. high and High school. Among them was the one. I instantly recognized it by the way it was folded and how my name was scribbled on the front, in his handwriting. It was innocently hidden under a pile of notes professing “best friends forever”, and “I like you, do you like me?” I imagined that the letter was hopeful when I opened the lid. It pushed the other letters over just enough so that when my hand reached into the pile I couldn't help but grab at its corner. It beckoned me, wanting to be let out to inflict one more jab of pain and make one more tear fall over lost love. It was the only thing I had ever received from him in writing.
Your writing flowed nicely. But I couldn't picture her: where she is, what she's smelling, hearing, seeing.
ReplyDeleteLOL, her parents have done exactly the thing my parents did. I don't have a sense yet of who our narrator is, but I'd read on to learn more and learn about the letter.
ReplyDeleteThe writing does have a nice flow, like rhea said, but the first paragraph is telling too much, too soon.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked: the first paragraph was okay, but I agree with tulafel about telling too much too soon or perhaps that there was just information in there we didn't need to know as it seems the story may be more about the writer of the note? The second paragraph "unhooked" me; I think it might have been because of the personification of the note.
ReplyDeleteI think I remember this from before.... still hooked.
ReplyDeleteOne thing though - the last sentence seemed over dramatic...
The first paragraph interesting; although it did tell more than show. Nevertheless, it did indicate some of the ‘why she is who she is now’ background. It was actually the second paragraph, specifically the last line that hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI like the first paragraph. I think the second with the letter was alitel too dramatic but I'd still read on.
ReplyDeleteI find the first paragraph compelling. It hooked me. With regard to jbchicoine's comment, I wonder if we don't put too much weight on the 'show, don't tell' rule? (I know I'm in the minority on this one.) Anyway, I like the first paragraph very much. I didn't feel there was an information overload; I found it 'ambling' in the best possible way. There was nothing rushed about it. It allows a reader to find her own way into the story. However, the second paragraph threw me off. It was too much information too fast, and after telling us how different she is from her mother, the MC appears to be very sentimental after all. (But how very true to life - more often than not, we do become our mothers. lol) Perhaps that information can be meted out slowly? Over the course of a couple of pages? A chapter even? I would have preferred to see the house of her childhood, (I'm reading Howard's End at the moment.) or maybe meet her parents?
ReplyDeleteIt might just be a personal preference on my part, but I found the first paragraph a bit 'dense' and I'd probably break it up a bit more, if I'd keep it at all.
ReplyDeleteI think you'd almost be better starting with the second paragraph because it's all about the letter.
I do like the last couple of sentences because I now want to know where this goes!
I liked the first paragraph, but I didn't think it suited the story. If the story was about her childhood home or an issue with her mother who saved everything, it would fit. But it seems it's the letter that matters, so the first paragraph, while nicely written, is irrelevant. I'd start with the second and maybe add a line that tells us where she is.
ReplyDeleteI thought the second paragraph had a few problems. She instantly recognizes the letter, but she hasn't yet opened the box. I wondered if she recognized it in her mind's eye, because she knew it would be in there, but if so, I don't think that was clear enough, and how would she know it was in there, since she doesn't know what her mom saved?
And then, she's contradicting herself by being sentimental after saying she wasn't. But if you cut that first paragraph, that won't matter.
And I wished you had mentioned the letter-writer's name. Why leave it a mystery? She knows who wrote it. Your reader is supposed to know what your MC knows. It would introduce him immediately, and we're going to find out anyway. I don't think the mystery does anything for you, even in a short, opening tease. Sure, we wonder who wrote the letter, but mentioning a name would put an image to the person. We not only wonder who, we start to also wonder who he is, why would he do such a thing, what was their relationship, etc. We have multiple reasons to read on, rather than one.
Not hooked, because I don't know what I'm getting into, but because the writing's strong, I might give it a few more pages.
I really like this. I'm hooked. The writing is strong and clear, and moves us along at a nice pace. I would really love to 'see' where she is, to root me into the scene. But, great job.
ReplyDeleteLove it.
ReplyDeleteHOOKED.
There was nothing particularly wrong with the language here, but again this submission didn't feel particularly different or unique. The title is one I've seen several times in queries. The opening felt memoir-y, something I would caution against. We've all had the experience of rediscovering old keepsakes, but that doesn't make a strong enough hook.
ReplyDelete