TITLE: GLOW
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
I always knew Ben was special. From the moment I first set eyes on
him, I could tell something about him was different and unique. He
was too sublimely formed to be a mere college student. He stood out
on the crowded subway trains even during rush hour.
I first noticed him at the end of summer term between my sophomore and
junior years. Final exams were scheduled for the next two days and
I’d come down with the flu. The fever raged high, but I had no
choice; I couldn't miss the last of my classes. When the first day of
tests ended, I boarded the train at Park Street in a haze of
exhaustion and medication. Sinking into the first empty seat, I shut
my eyes and drifted off to the steady thrumming of the rails. Not
long after, the row of seats shifted slightly as people sat around me.
I only slept for a few moments on the crowded Red Line, when my eyes
jolted open as the train rattled out of the tunnel into a burst of
sunshine streaming across the Charles River. The trolley flew along
the tracks to the next stop and I blinked, blinded by the evening’s
sunny display over the city of Boston. Nearby, a child whimpered.
Across the aisle sat a woman trying in vain to comfort the little girl
on her lap. She was dark-haired and fair-skinned, but her daughter
had pale hair and rosy cheeks. The little girl cried in her mother's
arms, alternately burying her face into the offered shoulder and
wailing openly for all to hear.
I like your voice. However, you didn't put me where yor character is until the middle of the page, and even then, I was wondering if she was thinking it.
ReplyDeleteI was interested in learning about Ben. The description in the third paragraph is good imagery - but I was surprised not to have been introduced to Ben there. I'm guessing he makes an appearance shortly after...but this ramp up is taking a little too long for me.
ReplyDeleteI think the writing style is pleasant to read and the descriptions are good. I would like to have more to help me like the MC or Ben in order to draw me into the story.
I wasn't hooked enough to read further.
It started good but the second paragraph loses me. "I first noticed him at the end of summer...." but then that's it on Ben. You jump to a train and then talk about a little girl on the train.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm not hooked enough.
I'm sorry... not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis is a case where there might be too much setting and not enough action. The Ben paragraph was interesting, but then you have your character dozing on a commuter train.
I'm not really hooked and I guess that's mostly because I wanted to meet Ben and I'm not so much interested in the people on the train. I like your voice and the flow is nice but I feel like we should be getting something more about this sublime guy earlier on.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked: I agree with those before me; the voice is intriguing, but where's Ben? If the story is about Ben and your main character, he may need to show up earlier. Just a brief glance, then perhaps talk about the other people on the train. It drags a little.
ReplyDeleteDisconnected from Ben. The question then is...
ReplyDeleteWhen you begin a story about meeting a character and then the character isn't in the rest of the first page, is that good? I think not. Worse yet, the intro paragraph was ho hum.
I reread starting at "The fever..." I found myself settling into a nice read although this was mundane every day stuff. I can like that style once in awhile.
Maybe without the first ben part, definite no with Ben part where it is.
Best writing!
Not hooked. Everyone's already said why. You make me think it's about meeting Ben, and we don't meet him.
ReplyDeleteYou said he stands out, even in a crowd, and yet, if he's on this crowded train, her eyes aren't drawn to him. They're drawn to the little girl.
It's an easy enough fix. Get Ben in there sooner.
Not hooked. Too much backstory, not enough story. Get to the point.
ReplyDelete'evening's sunny display' sounds very awkward to me...I also wondered why Ben was mentioned in the first paragraph and then never again.
ReplyDeleteThe subway sensory description, however, was nice--felt like I was in Boston again....
Agreeing with all the others - the description is nice but maybe cut some of it and get to Ben quicker.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading to see where the story goes. It's a great title, and as an NYC subway rider, I liked the setting and image of the mc on the train. That said, I did have trouble with the second sentence. I've known plenty of "sublimely formed" college students (my brother's a college athlete--ahem), so I wasn't sure what you meant. A college-age protagonist can be a tough sell, though.
ReplyDeleteCould be hooked. I like the first two paragraphs, especially the main character's fever-induced grogginess. But as pretty much everyone else already mentioned, the third paragraph dragged. You might consider cutting some of those details to make way for Ben's appearance.
ReplyDelete